Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

No Where Near There....

Since relationships are extremely difficult for me to maintain and understand, I wanted others like me to have somewhere to go to commisurate.  It's a tough world to live in when you expect everyone to be honest, say what they mean and understand your native language.

Here's the other problem that I personally have; I don't like to hurt people.

Not that there are people out there that go around emotionally damaging others fo the fun of it, but I really don't like to.  It's the time when I wish that others could read my mind.  It would make things so much easier.  

I have read so many times that people with AS are emotionless. That's not true.  I actually think that we may feel things deeper, but over the course of time, because of sustained abuse, we may learn to hide our emotions really well.  Or, only show the ones that we think are truly relevant.  I know that I guard my emotions very well.  I didn't cry when my ex and I got divorced, but I cried when he got our house foreclosed and I was packing my daughter's room that I tirelessly painted and decorated.  

On my last day in the Army, I just got in my car and drove away from Walter Reed Army Medical Center.  There were no tears, no smiling...I didn't call anyone.
The next time I was there was because one of my former patients was found slumped over his bathtub with a hypodermic needle in his arm.  I sobbed in the post Chapel that rainy day.  That was the first time I'd ever been in that Chapel and probably the last and I couldn't contain myself I hurt so badly for him and his parents.  And as I write this, I still do.

I think Aspies know too much pain.  We just learn to put it away, that's the choice we have to make.

I have this blog mainly to try and understand and to help others with AS understand why their personal relationships are so difficult.

Understanding the miscommunications can put some perspective on things, yes.  However, if your SO isn't willing to learn how to interpret your "language" than any conversation can become useless and frustrating.

How many of my one reader(s) have heard that they use "semantics"?  This one is a classic for me. 

My birthday is coming up and I don't know if I should just leave, or cyanide.  (Don't get crazy, the cyanide is a joke:)  I will be 35 and I am no where near where I wanted to be. 

Is anyone?