If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

I am NOT a Victim

Have you ever stopped, looked around you and wondered "What the hell happened?"  This is NOT where I intended to end up.  I think that when you're in a relationship and you only have control of your half that can happen a lot.  

I can't control the fact that he drinks almost every night and when he does he gets mean.  I can't control the fact that he is overwhelmingly attached to his past pain and has low self esteem.  I can't control the fact that he lies and then lies about lying.

However, I can control the fact that I am here and ready to be done with it.  That I should have known better.  That I set the boundaries before hand and he knew them. That I was VERY clear about my needs even before my diagnosis.

I refuse to play the victim here. 

As much as I hated Dr. Dickhead....He may have been right about the drinking...