If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

Four Pages....But Nothing Said....

So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.

Unfortunately, it's in Florida.  Now, I know what you're thinking...

You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right? 

Nope.  I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with.  A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond.  It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.

He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!!  Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.

Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida.  Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there.   Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:

* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...

I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.

When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

Wanted: A New Heart For A New Year....2010

All I thought about was the past... And how I can't repeat the mistakes that my mother made.  I can't sacrifice my daughter for myself.  It isn't fair...My heart can live without the past.

Circumstances just didn't work out for us... It happens.  Timing isn't right, the stars don't align and the people that are supposed to be together, don't end up together.

Then there's me.  I make the logical choice.  Because the heart never chooses wisely, now does it?  Think about this for a second, where did Romeo and Juliet end up?  Their decision wasn't based on logic, was it?

It's a new year.  Do I have any resolutions? Sure....Get a stronger heart.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop wanting things I can't have...... 

Did I mention that there was an e-mail from him when I get home? My past, I mean....

The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

No Where Near There....

Since relationships are extremely difficult for me to maintain and understand, I wanted others like me to have somewhere to go to commisurate.  It's a tough world to live in when you expect everyone to be honest, say what they mean and understand your native language.

Here's the other problem that I personally have; I don't like to hurt people.

Not that there are people out there that go around emotionally damaging others fo the fun of it, but I really don't like to.  It's the time when I wish that others could read my mind.  It would make things so much easier.  

I have read so many times that people with AS are emotionless. That's not true.  I actually think that we may feel things deeper, but over the course of time, because of sustained abuse, we may learn to hide our emotions really well.  Or, only show the ones that we think are truly relevant.  I know that I guard my emotions very well.  I didn't cry when my ex and I got divorced, but I cried when he got our house foreclosed and I was packing my daughter's room that I tirelessly painted and decorated.  

On my last day in the Army, I just got in my car and drove away from Walter Reed Army Medical Center.  There were no tears, no smiling...I didn't call anyone.
The next time I was there was because one of my former patients was found slumped over his bathtub with a hypodermic needle in his arm.  I sobbed in the post Chapel that rainy day.  That was the first time I'd ever been in that Chapel and probably the last and I couldn't contain myself I hurt so badly for him and his parents.  And as I write this, I still do.

I think Aspies know too much pain.  We just learn to put it away, that's the choice we have to make.

I have this blog mainly to try and understand and to help others with AS understand why their personal relationships are so difficult.

Understanding the miscommunications can put some perspective on things, yes.  However, if your SO isn't willing to learn how to interpret your "language" than any conversation can become useless and frustrating.

How many of my one reader(s) have heard that they use "semantics"?  This one is a classic for me. 

My birthday is coming up and I don't know if I should just leave, or cyanide.  (Don't get crazy, the cyanide is a joke:)  I will be 35 and I am no where near where I wanted to be. 

Is anyone? 

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

Communicating With The Dark Side....

I know that most of the time it seems that I just sit around and bitch about things in my relationship, but really this blog began as a way to help others with Asperger's to relate in their own partnerships. I have come to find out that relating to NT's can be like trying to talk under water. Impossible and deadly.

The final straw was when I was told that I was supported in getting custody of my daughter, but that he really doesn't want kids. Well, let me clue you in on something, Buddy...It's a package deal here. I thought that was clear?

I am giving up. My blog will now be about my effort to move on from this point...

And to figure out how to communicate with the dark side....NT's....

I'm a Bitch, Now Get Over It!

I haven't been around in a while and I can't give an adequate reason why...Maybe because it takes a tremendous amount of energy to try and not be myself. J...and I will have these knock down, drag out verbal fights that blow my mind and I just can't get my head around them.

Last night was so bizarre that I am on the fence on how to handle it. Or whether, or not to even bother. But then I think that that may be the answer he wants. I would be the first one to leave because he may not want his family to think he failed. The main points last night were:

I think he's a piece of shit...(I have NEVER said, written or implied this in any way). Yet, he thinks that I have because if I am not always saying positive things then it's all negative.

I put words in his mouth and tell him what to think. NewsFlash! I don't think he's happy....I told him this. If that's putting words in his mouth and telling him what he thinks....Guilty as charged!

I could have mental illness "you know, most people who are crazy think they're not". Yet, I would have no idea because working in in-patient psych for 3 and a half years taught me nothing because I don't have a Master's in psychiatry.

I really need to stop falling back on my Asperger's as an excuse for everything. How would he even know...he doesn't know a damn thing about it.

He needs more support at home....Wow! I loved this one. I want to know which fuck buddy fed him this one! More support.....Hmmmm, let's see, I;

1. Do your laundry...(but you can do that yourself)
2. Drop off and pick up your dry cleaning (see above parentheses)
3. Clean the house (It was clean before....Uh, really it wasn't)
4. Buy your suits
5. Shirts
6. Pick out your clothes (Yup, you can do this too...go for it....)


Consider the fact that you do NOTHING for me! I buy everything for myself....Who supports me, huh? Anyone patting me on the back? Nope! So, if J actually read my Blog, in some sort of parallel universe....My answer would be....

Who needs to do the work here? You are the NT....Your brain is the proper one.

And yes, I am a bitch in certain situations....THAT is not a blanket statement. Stop beating me up with it!

No Where Near Together....

This blog began as a way for me to hopefully help others like me (and their partners) deal with some of the struggles that can go along with the day to day stresses of having Asperger's and having to maintain any long term relationship. As time has gone on in my relationship, it has just gotten more bizarre.

Who knows why I can't keep things going in a relationship...If I knew, would I be writing this blog? I also wouldn't feel like a failure. Here's what I was told:

I will always be there for you.
I know that you have issues, that's ok. I can handle it.
"You know what I love about Jenn, she can just deal with things and smile and keep going sometimes...I've learned that from her. She's a better person than I am."
I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.
You make me a better man.

All I want is someone that wants a life together...we may live in the same house, but were not anywhere near together.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

OCD and OC Duh....

It's very difficult to help people understand how the mind of someone like me works if they don't own it. Let me give you a true life example of this...

My Significant Other....We can call him J works all day long. That's what he does. We have traditional roles. ie. He goes to work in the morning at 5:20 and gets home around 4:30 in the afternoon and I stay home and make sure that everything in the house is done.

Sort-of.

Asperger's makes me question everything 1000 times over. Mostly dinner and things like that, but it's worse with J because he's reaaaaaaly picky about a lot of things.

Anyway, I spend most of the day cleaning, running errands and stuff like that. Domestic goddess things. Don't let yourself think for a second that I'm sleeping in and going to the spa...I get up at about 6 am and I do work....I'll get to that later. I clean, a lot.

J is a packrat and a slob. I have told him this, so it's no secret, he's not dirty, he just leaves his things EVERYWHERE! And that's because he lived alone for 10 years. So, I go behind and pick it all up. No biggie...Until Friday.

Friday J walks in from work later than normal, sits down for a second, chats with me, goes into the kitchen to get a drink then proceeds to pick up the catch plate under the stove burner and washes it in the sink.

Now this doesn't seem like a big deal to the lay person....Until you are privy to the information that this is the man that can't manage to move his dirty underwear to the hamper. If there is no hamper present, he drops them on the floor next to his dresser 3 feet from the hamper area and claims that he "doesn't want me to trip on the pile."

NEWS FLASH: I walk an arch around the area regardless....because of my OCD. The hamper goes there, so in my mind, it's always there....

So, there he is....In the kitchen. In his work clothes. Washing the catch plate. The only NOT CLEAN thing in the house.

My mind is thinking: Ungrateful, POS, Thankless, Why Do I Bother?

We did discuss this....He claims that he can't help it.

OK, and the laundry is just going to hop into the hamper on it's own, huh?