When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

Karma's a Bitch, Just Wait and See....

My ex-husband has decided to try again to make my life miserable AGAIN...He told me that he received a letter from the IRS stating that they would like him for an interview about me and some "unreported" income I supposedly had last year.

Unreported....I would have liked any extra income! PERIOD!!!! Let's see...How obvious can you be really....He said that it was an anonymous tip, right....right.....

Let's be logical here:

1. We go to court next week because he wasn't paying child support for our daughter....

2. When he decided he wasn't going to accept his responsibility, I raised the amount that I wanted him to pay in the motion....

3. In an e-mail that he sent me he brought up the fact that I DON'T need the support anyway because we have enough money......

4. He told me that he "researched" what could happen if the IRS decides that I do have unreported income and owe them money....(I'm trying to figure out money from what?) Why would anyone research that.....Unless they had an ulterior motive....Huh?

5. He's always mentioning the expensive "vacations" that I'm going on and bags that I have etc. (Well, considering the amount of money that he makes, if he would save a little, he could do the same thing.)

So, here's what I have.....A VW Beetle, a neurotic dog that sheds under stress, a few Louis Vuitton bags that my husband gave me the money for after much pleading....and a deadbeat ex-husband that just won't pay child support.

Funny, I wouldn't think the IRS would be all that interested in that....I filed my meager earnings from the Army last year....

My question is; Why would they be interviewing my ex?

Karma's a bitch, just watch out....