Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

Getting A Grip...

It has been a hell of a long time since I bothered blogging...  Maybe I have been too tired, busy, whatever.  Sometimes, life takes over and over takes you.  I also haven't done anything else that I have wanted to do or been meaning to.  Such as;  working on my quilt...  being healthier, getting more sleep, trying to get a grip on my Asperger's, helping my girl...Just lots of things.  


I did however, set up my schedule for school in the fall. I will hopefully be moving when my daughter gets out of school...One year undergrad... Two years accelerated law.  


The separation agreement was final on the 20th of April.  Not even a month.  He accused me of cheating with EVERYONE last night.  All night long.  Then at 4 am he had all the lights on and the TV blasting and and the doors slamming. As I tried to sleep on the floor of my daughter's room.


After what I've been through, I deserve a law degree and freedom.  At least.  

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

You're Cheatin' Heart....

I have thought for a while that J is cheating on me.  Trust has always been an issue for me anyway, and despite the fact that we had issues in the past, I took him back.

There were conditions back then, and conditions prior to the merging of the households.  I told him that because of the lying and the voicemail left on his cell by the woman from the bar that I would be on him like a fat kid on a twinkie.  And could he handle that?

There were many vehement YES'sssss.  The affirmative answers were said in front of the Chaplain, myself, assorted friends (I'm sure you get the idea).

Realistically, I am the type of person that doesn't get my panties in a bunch for no reason.  I don't have time for that.  So when things started to happen, and get a little weird, my ears perked up.

Hmmmm, I am not on the bank accounts, not involved in the house... If he dies, his Mom gets everything. 

Then he starts being mean to me.  Picking fights. Lots of things don't add up.

It only gets worse, and more weird.

The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Once A Liar, Always A Liar....

To say that I am from one place would be like saying that Baskin Robbins has only ONE flavor...It would be a gross misrepresentation of the product. I am from all over and have lived in quite a few places. Right now I call Northern Virginia the place that I hang my hat. However, my home(s) will always be Vermont and Upstate New York.

I need to clarify the "Upstate" part of that. It's not Albany, or Syracuse....It's UP-state. Close to Canada-A. Plattsburgh, Keeseville area....That far UPSTATE. Albany is the halfway point for me:)

Anyway, I headed home for a visit today and left J at home to do his own thing...If you have Asperger's, or have a spouse with it, trust issues can be a bitch! Things with J and I didn't start off well, so it's always going to be rocky in that department. As far as Asperger's is concerned this would go in the File called: Relationships 101 and Trust Issues and How to Deal With Them

1. If you have lied to your partner in the past, they will always think you are lying. The past defines the future because in their world things never change. Ask them if their likes have changed very much?

2. If they don't trust you and you would like to regain their trust, do what you say you are going to do! DUH! This should be a no brainer people! We are very concrete. If you say that you are going to call your Significant Other, CALL YOUR SO! If you just can't get to the 'phone then have a good reason.

I got to Keeseville in good time and I thought that J would have been curious to see that I was there safely...After all, he had said how worried he was about the weather and that he was going to miss me so much Blah, Blah, blah....

3. AS Partners watch actions very carefully because we can't truly "read" people as well as NT's can. If your actions don't match your words it will usually send up some red flags.

So, I called him. He was getting dinner. And had had a nap...He couldn't really hear me because the reception on my end was bad so could he take his dinner back to the house and call me back....

And he didn't. Now, my brain has a tendency to replay the lovely times that we had when we dated. And I couldn't get a hold of him. And he said he was sleeping, or didn't hear the 'phone etc. Lies, all of them. And I remember. Go Asperger's!

4. Most people diagnosed with AS have a memory that is like a tape recorder for dialogue. Be careful what you say, it will be remembered and repeated to you. It will also hurt us forever and change us deeply.

So, he lies....He promised me that he would never lie again and I don't believe him.

I pinged him on his Blackberry and he received it....Then ignored me. He called me at 10pm. Once a liar, always a liar.

Gas Dryer Heaven.....

I can't make small talk....Another Asperger's thing that I have always had that I thought was just a quirk of mine...I can't do that "Oh, hi, how are you....Blah, blah, blah...."

Again, there's a reason why I'm writing this....

Our new washer and dryer were supposed to be installed today....I say were, because the washer made it in, but the dryer went back to wherever dryers come from....Dryer heaven, I guess. Anyway, the installer (god forbid, he even gets THAT title) said that he couldn't put it in because of the pipe that was hooked up to our older than dirt dryer and that I needed a plumber to come out and put something on that would connect it properly to the new hose.

It's not my house....which I am politely reminded by words and actions every other day, so I call J at work.

I proceed to tell him, quickly and tersely that the gas dryer needs something (I don't speak Spanish) and that won't put the dryer in....Or turn the gas off. They DON'T do that....my husband was angry because I called him at work....He said that I yelled....I hung up on him twice, that much I do recall.

So, the ahem "Installers" leave....With said dryer and tell me to get a plumber and they will come back with my dryer.....I try and call J again, but there's no answer.

Anyone who knows Asperger's knows that we don't ask for help....It's just not in our DNA.

So, I set out to get a plumber....Last I heard, J didn't want to do this himself....Low and behold, one would be out in the afternoon to check it out and that would be that.

J WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR DEALING WITH THIS AND NOT BOTHERING HIM WITH IT!!!

So, J gets home and pulls in the driveway very late....he asks about the dryer and I tell him that they're coming back to install it on Saturday. He asks about the pipe, valve thing and I tell him that I had a plumber come out and fix it:) I was very excited and thought that he was going to be happy. I didn't realize that he was going to get angry with me for spending the money on it.

He ended up on the phone with Home Depot, mad at me for calling, then not calling...hiring a plumber....even though he said that he didn't want to do it himself....

Confused yet? I am:(