Once A Liar, Always A Liar....

To say that I am from one place would be like saying that Baskin Robbins has only ONE flavor...It would be a gross misrepresentation of the product. I am from all over and have lived in quite a few places. Right now I call Northern Virginia the place that I hang my hat. However, my home(s) will always be Vermont and Upstate New York.

I need to clarify the "Upstate" part of that. It's not Albany, or Syracuse....It's UP-state. Close to Canada-A. Plattsburgh, Keeseville area....That far UPSTATE. Albany is the halfway point for me:)

Anyway, I headed home for a visit today and left J at home to do his own thing...If you have Asperger's, or have a spouse with it, trust issues can be a bitch! Things with J and I didn't start off well, so it's always going to be rocky in that department. As far as Asperger's is concerned this would go in the File called: Relationships 101 and Trust Issues and How to Deal With Them

1. If you have lied to your partner in the past, they will always think you are lying. The past defines the future because in their world things never change. Ask them if their likes have changed very much?

2. If they don't trust you and you would like to regain their trust, do what you say you are going to do! DUH! This should be a no brainer people! We are very concrete. If you say that you are going to call your Significant Other, CALL YOUR SO! If you just can't get to the 'phone then have a good reason.

I got to Keeseville in good time and I thought that J would have been curious to see that I was there safely...After all, he had said how worried he was about the weather and that he was going to miss me so much Blah, Blah, blah....

3. AS Partners watch actions very carefully because we can't truly "read" people as well as NT's can. If your actions don't match your words it will usually send up some red flags.

So, I called him. He was getting dinner. And had had a nap...He couldn't really hear me because the reception on my end was bad so could he take his dinner back to the house and call me back....

And he didn't. Now, my brain has a tendency to replay the lovely times that we had when we dated. And I couldn't get a hold of him. And he said he was sleeping, or didn't hear the 'phone etc. Lies, all of them. And I remember. Go Asperger's!

4. Most people diagnosed with AS have a memory that is like a tape recorder for dialogue. Be careful what you say, it will be remembered and repeated to you. It will also hurt us forever and change us deeply.

So, he lies....He promised me that he would never lie again and I don't believe him.

I pinged him on his Blackberry and he received it....Then ignored me. He called me at 10pm. Once a liar, always a liar.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

White Wasn't White...

My Aunt can't smell. Not a thing... That means she also can't taste. One is impossibly linked to the other.... In the middle of winter a few years ago she slipped on a patch of ice and hit her head...She made a full recovery, except for one (well, two) things. Imagine that, you know that the fire is there, you can see it burning, but you can't smell the smoke.

That is what it's like to have Asperger's sometimes. You know what people are telling you, you see what they are doing, but you question everything. I feel like I have a certain amount of intuition, but it's more of an emotional sixth sense. I used to attribute it to the fact that I grew up in an extremely abusive household, I was walking on eggshells all the time because I never knew what kind of mood my mother or stepfather were going to be in, so I learned to decipher the air. I could feel the tension, or the ease. It could also happen the other way around, though.

There was a beautiful, clear day and I was sitting cross-legged on my bed. I may have been ten or eleven. I had a hand-me-down white eyelet bedspread that I just loved, and my bed was made just so. The world, MY world, was at peace for a second. Just then my stepfather flew into my room, smacked me open handed across the face and exited as quickly as he had entered. I didn't even have time to exhale before the blood started to run from my nose onto my gorgeous, white bedspread. There was never an explanation for the smack and I ended up having to dye the white to black. I never let me guard down again after that. Peace wasn't peace...White wasn't white.

My Own Aspie Symptoms....

How I knew that I had Asperger's....

I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.

Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".

Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....

Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.

Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.

I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.

Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)

Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.

Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....

I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.

Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.

I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;

A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!

Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....

I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.

Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....

A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.

I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.

High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?

Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.

This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.