I stayed at my friend Neelam's last night. I was comfortable and felt safe. Her house is like a Pakistani circus. There's always yelling in Erdu, and although I know that it isn't yelling in a negative way, it makes me cringe because any yelling takes me back to an abusive childhood. The house has huge vaulted ceilings and Neelam has a booming voice that echoes when she talks, so the amplification is doubled.
Neelam has three daughters and one son. The children are all amazing, but struggle through the cultural issues of being caught between our wasteland of a melting pot and their own Muslim heritage. I respect her husband's drive to keep their daughters' attire modest and faithful to the religion. I try to keep my daughter free from the nastiness that surrounds her everyday... It's tough in our country, but we have to make a concerted effort together.
I have known Neelam and her family for about 6 years and she has seen me through many tough and good times. When I was diagnosed with Celiac's, Neelam cooked chicken and rice for me so that I wouldn't starve. It was the first "real" food that I had eaten in a week. Sometimes, I think that she feels sorry for me because I am this skinny, too-big boobed, American girl with an abusive husband that doesn't love me. Or maybe that's just me feeling that way.
This is probably the worst that she's seen me. I have cried on her shoulder, but haven't ever had to live with her.
She and her husband say that I do do much for them, but they have done so much more for my daughter and I than I could ever repay. Just the fact that I have a friend is worth the world to me.
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Four Pages....But Nothing Said....
So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.
Unfortunately, it's in Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking...
You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right?
Nope. I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with. A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond. It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.
He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!! Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.
Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida. Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there. Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:
* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...
I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.
Unfortunately, it's in Florida. Now, I know what you're thinking...
You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right?
Nope. I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with. A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond. It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.
He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!! Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.
Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida. Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there. Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:
* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...
I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0
We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;
You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.
J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....
These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...
"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.
"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.
That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.
Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because
IT SUCKS!!!!
I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......
J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"
There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.
So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.
Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.
Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;
A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)
It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.
You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.
J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....
These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...
"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.
"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.
That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.
Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because
IT SUCKS!!!!
I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......
J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"
There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.
So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.
Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.
Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;
A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)
It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.
Friday, July 17, 2009
My Own Aspie Symptoms....
How I knew that I had Asperger's....
I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.
Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".
Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....
Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.
Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.
I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.
I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.
Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".
Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....
Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.
Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.
I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.
Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)
Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.
Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....
I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.
Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.
I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;
A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!
Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....
I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.
Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....
A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.
I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.
High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?
Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.
This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.
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