Frye Boots & An Elephant In My Ear...

Wow, I have 4 fans! 

That rocks my small and insignificant world... In some way that makes me smile and I feel as though I may have made a difference in someone's world.  I opened the old girl this afternoon just to take a gander at how my world used to look.  Things have taken a drastic turn. I now have one loyal follower and four brave fans.  

     Let's see, I'm now 36, I left Northern Virginia for the outback of Southwest Florida to babysit appliances in someone else's house (like an idiot).  Long story...as usual.  I should say that I ran away from home, but running would mean that there was no real premeditation.  There had to be some planning involved.  Not much, but some.

     If you were following the madness in my world, J, the man that was desperately trying to make me lose my mind was left behind.  It still bothers me slightly (J, don't flatter yourself if you're reading this).  Only because I feel stupid.  

     I'm not sure that anyone ever sees emotional abuse coming. Like a ground fog, it just seeps in and the next thing you know, there isn't any visibility at all.  And it really is all encompassing because you end up wondering how one moment you're seeing so far ahead into your own future and the next moment nothing is clear at all.

     I was raised by very powerful and empowering women and have never been in a situation where I have allowed that power to be taken from me.  Both emotionally and physically.  I am still reconciling what happened, wanting to know the reasons why he did what he did.  If it happened once, it would have been excusable, but it was over and over.  Made worse by alcohol.

     The final straw; The boots.  A beautiful pair of Frye boots that I couldn't have bought on my own.  That's right fans... We didn't share anything, keep that in mind, no shared finances.  He made TONS of money and I had NOTHING!  Well, J bought me the boots.  And I made the mistake of canceling a trip that he paid for because spending the weekend with him, well, not pleasant.  To Vegas.  He actually only paid for part of it.  I lost on it too.  Vegas.  I really didn't see that being a winning situation.  Anyway, he races home to beat me to the boots and I tell him that they're inside the door.  Three days later they're still in the box.  Inside the door.  I ask J if he's going to let me have them.  His answer, "I'm waiting to see if you deserve them". 

     Huh?  Let me go grab a Q-tip...  I think I may have something really BIG in my ear.  Like an elephant!  DESERVE, huh!!!!  Yes, that's what he said.  So, I took a deep breath and that was that. I would have slept on the street.  He had called me the help a couple of nights before and I was a little peeved.  But this one just took it!  

     He may have money, but I have normalcy and truth.  He will always be a liar.  Always.   

      So, what next for me... I have a new blog... Shhhh, it's on yahoo.  just_jenn is my yahoo name.  I am applying to school here just to be getting an education.  This area is nice.  

     

     As for men. Nope.  I'm good for now.  I think I've been damaged enough for 36 years.  It's time for a rest.  There are plenty of old ladies that need roommates here and company. If you're ever in the Ft. Myers, Fl are keep your eyes open for the short-haired girl with the big goofy smile.  That's me.

Come visit me on Yahoo.

Four Pages....But Nothing Said....

So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.

Unfortunately, it's in Florida.  Now, I know what you're thinking...

You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right? 

Nope.  I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with.  A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond.  It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.

He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!!  Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.

Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida.  Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there.   Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:

* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...

I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.

Getting A Grip...

It has been a hell of a long time since I bothered blogging...  Maybe I have been too tired, busy, whatever.  Sometimes, life takes over and over takes you.  I also haven't done anything else that I have wanted to do or been meaning to.  Such as;  working on my quilt...  being healthier, getting more sleep, trying to get a grip on my Asperger's, helping my girl...Just lots of things.  


I did however, set up my schedule for school in the fall. I will hopefully be moving when my daughter gets out of school...One year undergrad... Two years accelerated law.  


The separation agreement was final on the 20th of April.  Not even a month.  He accused me of cheating with EVERYONE last night.  All night long.  Then at 4 am he had all the lights on and the TV blasting and and the doors slamming. As I tried to sleep on the floor of my daughter's room.


After what I've been through, I deserve a law degree and freedom.  At least.  

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

You're Cheatin' Heart....

I have thought for a while that J is cheating on me.  Trust has always been an issue for me anyway, and despite the fact that we had issues in the past, I took him back.

There were conditions back then, and conditions prior to the merging of the households.  I told him that because of the lying and the voicemail left on his cell by the woman from the bar that I would be on him like a fat kid on a twinkie.  And could he handle that?

There were many vehement YES'sssss.  The affirmative answers were said in front of the Chaplain, myself, assorted friends (I'm sure you get the idea).

Realistically, I am the type of person that doesn't get my panties in a bunch for no reason.  I don't have time for that.  So when things started to happen, and get a little weird, my ears perked up.

Hmmmm, I am not on the bank accounts, not involved in the house... If he dies, his Mom gets everything. 

Then he starts being mean to me.  Picking fights. Lots of things don't add up.

It only gets worse, and more weird.

Big Dogs, The Twilight Zone and Turkey Basters Hooray!!!!

Imagine, if you will, a large German Shepard straining to get out of a very small cage.  A street of houses, all the same in shape and color, they appear lived in, but you never see people entering or leaving them.  Behind me sits my younger sister trying desperately to entertain her husband in Afganistan by simulating a blow job via web cam with a turkey baster....

Welcome to my Twilight Zone...

As all of this is going on, J and I are fighting as usual...  I need him to just make me feel like this is a stable relationship.  Wow, is that so hard to do?  He said that it is.

I would just stay in Savannah, but my daughter has school and I have a life....

I think.

Savannah Smells Like Poo.

I'm in Savannah GA at my little sister's house.  I haven't seen her in about 10 years.  Her husband is deployed and he's making her crazy.  J is making me crazy.  It just works out that I needed a break too.  So, here I am. 

It's cold.  Like home.  That sucks.

Do you know what sucks more?  I would be starting my Law Program just a few cities from here in Jacksonville FL on Wednesday.

Go me.

By the way, Savannah smells like poo.  Apparently, it's the paper factories.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

Wanted: A New Heart For A New Year....2010

All I thought about was the past... And how I can't repeat the mistakes that my mother made.  I can't sacrifice my daughter for myself.  It isn't fair...My heart can live without the past.

Circumstances just didn't work out for us... It happens.  Timing isn't right, the stars don't align and the people that are supposed to be together, don't end up together.

Then there's me.  I make the logical choice.  Because the heart never chooses wisely, now does it?  Think about this for a second, where did Romeo and Juliet end up?  Their decision wasn't based on logic, was it?

It's a new year.  Do I have any resolutions? Sure....Get a stronger heart.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop wanting things I can't have...... 

Did I mention that there was an e-mail from him when I get home? My past, I mean....

The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

Communicating With The Dark Side....

I know that most of the time it seems that I just sit around and bitch about things in my relationship, but really this blog began as a way to help others with Asperger's to relate in their own partnerships. I have come to find out that relating to NT's can be like trying to talk under water. Impossible and deadly.

The final straw was when I was told that I was supported in getting custody of my daughter, but that he really doesn't want kids. Well, let me clue you in on something, Buddy...It's a package deal here. I thought that was clear?

I am giving up. My blog will now be about my effort to move on from this point...

And to figure out how to communicate with the dark side....NT's....

I'm a Bitch, Now Get Over It!

I haven't been around in a while and I can't give an adequate reason why...Maybe because it takes a tremendous amount of energy to try and not be myself. J...and I will have these knock down, drag out verbal fights that blow my mind and I just can't get my head around them.

Last night was so bizarre that I am on the fence on how to handle it. Or whether, or not to even bother. But then I think that that may be the answer he wants. I would be the first one to leave because he may not want his family to think he failed. The main points last night were:

I think he's a piece of shit...(I have NEVER said, written or implied this in any way). Yet, he thinks that I have because if I am not always saying positive things then it's all negative.

I put words in his mouth and tell him what to think. NewsFlash! I don't think he's happy....I told him this. If that's putting words in his mouth and telling him what he thinks....Guilty as charged!

I could have mental illness "you know, most people who are crazy think they're not". Yet, I would have no idea because working in in-patient psych for 3 and a half years taught me nothing because I don't have a Master's in psychiatry.

I really need to stop falling back on my Asperger's as an excuse for everything. How would he even know...he doesn't know a damn thing about it.

He needs more support at home....Wow! I loved this one. I want to know which fuck buddy fed him this one! More support.....Hmmmm, let's see, I;

1. Do your laundry...(but you can do that yourself)
2. Drop off and pick up your dry cleaning (see above parentheses)
3. Clean the house (It was clean before....Uh, really it wasn't)
4. Buy your suits
5. Shirts
6. Pick out your clothes (Yup, you can do this too...go for it....)


Consider the fact that you do NOTHING for me! I buy everything for myself....Who supports me, huh? Anyone patting me on the back? Nope! So, if J actually read my Blog, in some sort of parallel universe....My answer would be....

Who needs to do the work here? You are the NT....Your brain is the proper one.

And yes, I am a bitch in certain situations....THAT is not a blanket statement. Stop beating me up with it!

Down With Hallmark....Love Is Not Enough!!

It's probably better that I have little to no people reading this blog...Because this entry is going to be a doozy....

Ok, I'm going to say it.....

I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE!

I think it's a huge crock made up by the movie industry and Hallmark. Come on, if you're about to sign out, you can't honestly think that you haven't heard this before? I am NOT the first person that has ever said this. The thing that people call "love" is a chemical process that slowly disintegrates over time and whatever you're left with is the rest of the story (a lasting relationship, or a break-up).

It's called compatibility, people. Why haven't we grasped that yet? E-harmony has....that's why they give you a million and 1 questions. They know that in the end, you have to LIKE the person and their values.

If your relationship becomes really hard to maintain and you ask someone, "Why are you with me?" and their answer is "Because I love you"....

RUN!

Love is not real.

Dirty socks are real. Your stuff, their stuff.....That's real. These things need to be worked out before you decide that you are in it for the long haul. Living together is great....Write down your expectations. Be honest.

Be worse than honest. Be Brutal...Do you fart in the middle of the night? Tell the person you care about that you could send a neighborhood underground in fear of their lives.....

Are you a slob? Make your place ten times worse and invite your significant other over to see the reaction....

Are you up with the sun....Do they sleep in?....this may not be huge now....You LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE the person right now. Just wait. When your honey is complaining that you are being too loud at 10am and half of your day is shot to hell.....It will happen when they get comfy enough to start giving you a hard time....

My Grandmother always said to marry your best friend. I would have, except he was a 6 foot 5 inch gay man and not terribly interested in me that way. It makes sense though, doesn't it? Your best friend embodies all of the qualities that you have. You don't choose friends that are polar opposites.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!! You need understanding, truth, caring and connection. Honesty about who you are. Understanding about what happens when two lives merge. Caring enough about each other to handle the speedbumps.

And the true connection that will keep you together through the tough times. Love is a myth. A card that I threw in the trash a long time ago.

By the way, I am not a cynic, I am a realist.