If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

Being Grateful At The Pakistani Circus...

I stayed at my friend Neelam's last night.  I was comfortable and felt safe.  Her house is like a Pakistani circus.  There's always yelling in Erdu, and although I know that it isn't yelling in a negative way, it makes me cringe because any yelling takes me back to an abusive childhood.  The house has huge vaulted ceilings and Neelam has a booming voice that echoes when she talks, so the amplification is doubled.


Neelam has three daughters and one son.  The children are all amazing, but struggle through the cultural issues of being caught between our wasteland of a melting pot and their own Muslim heritage.  I respect her husband's drive to keep their daughters' attire modest and faithful to the religion.  I try to keep my daughter free from the nastiness that surrounds her everyday... It's tough in our country, but we have to make a concerted effort together.   


I have known Neelam and her family for about 6 years and she has seen me through many tough and good times.  When I was diagnosed with Celiac's, Neelam cooked chicken and rice for me so that I wouldn't starve.  It was the first "real" food that I had eaten in a week.   Sometimes, I think that she feels sorry for me because I am this skinny, too-big boobed, American girl with an abusive husband that doesn't love me.  Or maybe that's just me feeling that way.  


This is probably the worst that she's seen me.    I have cried on her shoulder, but haven't ever had to live with her.  


She and her husband say that I do do much for them, but they have done so much more for my daughter and I than I could ever repay.  Just the fact that I have a friend is worth the world to me.  

Getting A Grip...

It has been a hell of a long time since I bothered blogging...  Maybe I have been too tired, busy, whatever.  Sometimes, life takes over and over takes you.  I also haven't done anything else that I have wanted to do or been meaning to.  Such as;  working on my quilt...  being healthier, getting more sleep, trying to get a grip on my Asperger's, helping my girl...Just lots of things.  


I did however, set up my schedule for school in the fall. I will hopefully be moving when my daughter gets out of school...One year undergrad... Two years accelerated law.  


The separation agreement was final on the 20th of April.  Not even a month.  He accused me of cheating with EVERYONE last night.  All night long.  Then at 4 am he had all the lights on and the TV blasting and and the doors slamming. As I tried to sleep on the floor of my daughter's room.


After what I've been through, I deserve a law degree and freedom.  At least.  

When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

Big Dogs, The Twilight Zone and Turkey Basters Hooray!!!!

Imagine, if you will, a large German Shepard straining to get out of a very small cage.  A street of houses, all the same in shape and color, they appear lived in, but you never see people entering or leaving them.  Behind me sits my younger sister trying desperately to entertain her husband in Afganistan by simulating a blow job via web cam with a turkey baster....

Welcome to my Twilight Zone...

As all of this is going on, J and I are fighting as usual...  I need him to just make me feel like this is a stable relationship.  Wow, is that so hard to do?  He said that it is.

I would just stay in Savannah, but my daughter has school and I have a life....

I think.

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

My Leaving Self...and the Lobster

My daughter has had a fever for 6 days....STRAIGHT! Today was the first time that I have been out of the house other than a very short run last night. Am I being tested by the Powers That Be? Probably not...Do I want to slit my own wrists....Yup...

A couple of things about this that strike me as seriously funny in a sickly ironic way...

***When my daughter had a sinus infection and I was suing my ex for custody he was asking for hourly updates on how she was doing...Despite the fact that he gets NO cell reception at home. I barely heard from him over this holiday weekend. It took hours for him to call me back about what to do about her possibly missing the first day of school...weird, huh?

***My leaving self has emerged in a big way. I have had just about enough of being a doormat. Oddly, I get an out of the blue message from someone that I haven't heard from in a long time. This is when I have to remind myself that there is a reason that things end.

***J tells me, as he so often likes to detail these things out, that we haven't had sex in 8 days. So last night I offer something up...not the full monty, but something is better than nothing... Anyway, he says that he's tired. I can't compete. Tired??? You don't have to do ANYTHING! Just lay there and breathe for god's sake.

Anyway....I found the coolest thing on Youtube....

I am a huge Friends fan....

Somewhere, there's My Lobster....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPH_W7e5f8M