Frye Boots & An Elephant In My Ear...

Wow, I have 4 fans! 

That rocks my small and insignificant world... In some way that makes me smile and I feel as though I may have made a difference in someone's world.  I opened the old girl this afternoon just to take a gander at how my world used to look.  Things have taken a drastic turn. I now have one loyal follower and four brave fans.  

     Let's see, I'm now 36, I left Northern Virginia for the outback of Southwest Florida to babysit appliances in someone else's house (like an idiot).  Long story...as usual.  I should say that I ran away from home, but running would mean that there was no real premeditation.  There had to be some planning involved.  Not much, but some.

     If you were following the madness in my world, J, the man that was desperately trying to make me lose my mind was left behind.  It still bothers me slightly (J, don't flatter yourself if you're reading this).  Only because I feel stupid.  

     I'm not sure that anyone ever sees emotional abuse coming. Like a ground fog, it just seeps in and the next thing you know, there isn't any visibility at all.  And it really is all encompassing because you end up wondering how one moment you're seeing so far ahead into your own future and the next moment nothing is clear at all.

     I was raised by very powerful and empowering women and have never been in a situation where I have allowed that power to be taken from me.  Both emotionally and physically.  I am still reconciling what happened, wanting to know the reasons why he did what he did.  If it happened once, it would have been excusable, but it was over and over.  Made worse by alcohol.

     The final straw; The boots.  A beautiful pair of Frye boots that I couldn't have bought on my own.  That's right fans... We didn't share anything, keep that in mind, no shared finances.  He made TONS of money and I had NOTHING!  Well, J bought me the boots.  And I made the mistake of canceling a trip that he paid for because spending the weekend with him, well, not pleasant.  To Vegas.  He actually only paid for part of it.  I lost on it too.  Vegas.  I really didn't see that being a winning situation.  Anyway, he races home to beat me to the boots and I tell him that they're inside the door.  Three days later they're still in the box.  Inside the door.  I ask J if he's going to let me have them.  His answer, "I'm waiting to see if you deserve them". 

     Huh?  Let me go grab a Q-tip...  I think I may have something really BIG in my ear.  Like an elephant!  DESERVE, huh!!!!  Yes, that's what he said.  So, I took a deep breath and that was that. I would have slept on the street.  He had called me the help a couple of nights before and I was a little peeved.  But this one just took it!  

     He may have money, but I have normalcy and truth.  He will always be a liar.  Always.   

      So, what next for me... I have a new blog... Shhhh, it's on yahoo.  just_jenn is my yahoo name.  I am applying to school here just to be getting an education.  This area is nice.  

     

     As for men. Nope.  I'm good for now.  I think I've been damaged enough for 36 years.  It's time for a rest.  There are plenty of old ladies that need roommates here and company. If you're ever in the Ft. Myers, Fl are keep your eyes open for the short-haired girl with the big goofy smile.  That's me.

Come visit me on Yahoo.

When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

It was never about his Marriage or family....

It's all about his job.... Just like it was always all about the Army....

I should have been in bed a long time ago, but I had a feeling that J was going to go for the gold as far as fighting was concerned and I was right!  I made a bit of a boo boo and it cost me tonight.  We were at HIS bar and his creds (gov't ID) fell out of his jacket. This was after he made a point to announce it to the bar that it they were in there in the first place.

I was wearing his jacket at the time and boy that wasn't a good thing... the waiter returned it to him and the Sh** the fan.  He swore at me and belittled me in the restaurant.  He told me that were done.  I got up, went to the ladies room, composed myself and left.  I just walked right out the door.  J didn't even notice.


The waiter did and told him.  "Your wife just left".  "Wife".  What a joke.  Well, he was a little pissed when he got home  (understatement) and told me that when Monday rolls around he's going to a lawyer and getting a divorce.  I told him no, that I don't want one.  I would like to get counseling.  He said all sorts of nasty mean things to me.  God, it was horrible.  He said that I was one of those soldiers that he couldn't stand that goes into the Army and only stays in for a little while and then gets out on something that is so trivial and collects money and he stayed in for 20 years and he gets the same amount that I get....

He called me a prostitute and a hooker.  He balled his fist up and said that he wishes he could hit me.  I just keep thinking that if I tell him that I love him over and over that he will open his eyes and realize that if I go this time I won't come back.  He really can't keep hurting me like this.

Asperger's doesn't mean I'm crazy....

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

I am NOT a Victim

Have you ever stopped, looked around you and wondered "What the hell happened?"  This is NOT where I intended to end up.  I think that when you're in a relationship and you only have control of your half that can happen a lot.  

I can't control the fact that he drinks almost every night and when he does he gets mean.  I can't control the fact that he is overwhelmingly attached to his past pain and has low self esteem.  I can't control the fact that he lies and then lies about lying.

However, I can control the fact that I am here and ready to be done with it.  That I should have known better.  That I set the boundaries before hand and he knew them. That I was VERY clear about my needs even before my diagnosis.

I refuse to play the victim here. 

As much as I hated Dr. Dickhead....He may have been right about the drinking...