Frye Boots & An Elephant In My Ear...

Wow, I have 4 fans! 

That rocks my small and insignificant world... In some way that makes me smile and I feel as though I may have made a difference in someone's world.  I opened the old girl this afternoon just to take a gander at how my world used to look.  Things have taken a drastic turn. I now have one loyal follower and four brave fans.  

     Let's see, I'm now 36, I left Northern Virginia for the outback of Southwest Florida to babysit appliances in someone else's house (like an idiot).  Long story...as usual.  I should say that I ran away from home, but running would mean that there was no real premeditation.  There had to be some planning involved.  Not much, but some.

     If you were following the madness in my world, J, the man that was desperately trying to make me lose my mind was left behind.  It still bothers me slightly (J, don't flatter yourself if you're reading this).  Only because I feel stupid.  

     I'm not sure that anyone ever sees emotional abuse coming. Like a ground fog, it just seeps in and the next thing you know, there isn't any visibility at all.  And it really is all encompassing because you end up wondering how one moment you're seeing so far ahead into your own future and the next moment nothing is clear at all.

     I was raised by very powerful and empowering women and have never been in a situation where I have allowed that power to be taken from me.  Both emotionally and physically.  I am still reconciling what happened, wanting to know the reasons why he did what he did.  If it happened once, it would have been excusable, but it was over and over.  Made worse by alcohol.

     The final straw; The boots.  A beautiful pair of Frye boots that I couldn't have bought on my own.  That's right fans... We didn't share anything, keep that in mind, no shared finances.  He made TONS of money and I had NOTHING!  Well, J bought me the boots.  And I made the mistake of canceling a trip that he paid for because spending the weekend with him, well, not pleasant.  To Vegas.  He actually only paid for part of it.  I lost on it too.  Vegas.  I really didn't see that being a winning situation.  Anyway, he races home to beat me to the boots and I tell him that they're inside the door.  Three days later they're still in the box.  Inside the door.  I ask J if he's going to let me have them.  His answer, "I'm waiting to see if you deserve them". 

     Huh?  Let me go grab a Q-tip...  I think I may have something really BIG in my ear.  Like an elephant!  DESERVE, huh!!!!  Yes, that's what he said.  So, I took a deep breath and that was that. I would have slept on the street.  He had called me the help a couple of nights before and I was a little peeved.  But this one just took it!  

     He may have money, but I have normalcy and truth.  He will always be a liar.  Always.   

      So, what next for me... I have a new blog... Shhhh, it's on yahoo.  just_jenn is my yahoo name.  I am applying to school here just to be getting an education.  This area is nice.  

     

     As for men. Nope.  I'm good for now.  I think I've been damaged enough for 36 years.  It's time for a rest.  There are plenty of old ladies that need roommates here and company. If you're ever in the Ft. Myers, Fl are keep your eyes open for the short-haired girl with the big goofy smile.  That's me.

Come visit me on Yahoo.

The Equation of Autism & Asperger's... When Nothing Adds Up.

This is a really old post....


In my mind I don't equate Autism and Asperger's....That may sound narrow-minded and I apologize if I offend anyone by writing that...But I think of Autism as being something much more serious and debilitating than what I have. My nephew has Autism and a good friend of mine had a son with Autism so severe that he will probably never live on his own.

How can I say that I have that and then put down on my resume that I have :

• Published poetry....
• Been in a commercial...
• Survived the Army and been a Non-Commissioned Officer....
• Traveled all over the world...
• Probably made a million dollars (then spent it:)....
• Sewn 10+ quilts all by hand...
• Learned and taught all different types of fitness and martial arts...
• Won awards for my writing...And singing (but you wouldn't know that today:)...
• Supervised incredibly large staffs of people....
• Spoken if front of monsterous auditoriums full of spectators...
• Had my hand-written journal used as an example for a Master's Degree program....

Then there's the part of me that knows that something wasn't right...I never had to explain anything to anyone. Part of me wishes that I was alone when I went through the discovery phase and diagnosis. When I was alone, or just dating someone, I never had to explain why two conflicting noises and a conversation was just too much for me. There was no need to....I could just walk away.

In fact, being aloof may have been my strongest point. Until the other person got too close.

I'm new to all of this, so I don't really know how it works for the rest of the Asperger world...For me, it's either black or white. There's no grey area. I like you, or not. You're a liar, or not...It's either right or wrong. I always have to know what's going on though. I ask WAY too many questions because I have to know where I stand and what's going on because my people reading skills SUCK!

Four Pages....But Nothing Said....

So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.

Unfortunately, it's in Florida.  Now, I know what you're thinking...

You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right? 

Nope.  I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with.  A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond.  It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.

He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!!  Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.

Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida.  Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there.   Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:

* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...

I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Kiss My Louis Vuitton Ass!!

My birthday came and went and I'm still here.  Except now, I'm 35.  Wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life.  The only reason that I am sitting here doing nothing is because I feel like the universe will tell me what to do when it's ready.  I'm sure that sounds completely asinine, but that's how it feels.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating certain things.  Like being where I am right now.  My one follower can't see where I am right now, so I will explain.

I am on the couch in someone else's living room.  It's my laptop, but not my couch.  My dog is on the floor next to me, but it isn't my floor.  I clean it, but it isn't mine.  I only have a few things here.  But I clean everything.  The walls are bare.  I have pictures, but I won't put them up, because I don't want retalliation. 

The last few days have been filled with thinking over years of bad decisions.  This was the last one I will make. 

I just wish that someone could learn SOMETHING from me.  If he lies, he will ALWAYS lie.  It won't ever change.  And it means that he doesn't give a crap about you.

I wonder if he has realized that I sent back the Louis Vuitton scarf that he got me for my birthday, yet? 

Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

Communicating With The Dark Side....

I know that most of the time it seems that I just sit around and bitch about things in my relationship, but really this blog began as a way to help others with Asperger's to relate in their own partnerships. I have come to find out that relating to NT's can be like trying to talk under water. Impossible and deadly.

The final straw was when I was told that I was supported in getting custody of my daughter, but that he really doesn't want kids. Well, let me clue you in on something, Buddy...It's a package deal here. I thought that was clear?

I am giving up. My blog will now be about my effort to move on from this point...

And to figure out how to communicate with the dark side....NT's....