Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

The Equation of Autism & Asperger's... When Nothing Adds Up.

This is a really old post....


In my mind I don't equate Autism and Asperger's....That may sound narrow-minded and I apologize if I offend anyone by writing that...But I think of Autism as being something much more serious and debilitating than what I have. My nephew has Autism and a good friend of mine had a son with Autism so severe that he will probably never live on his own.

How can I say that I have that and then put down on my resume that I have :

• Published poetry....
• Been in a commercial...
• Survived the Army and been a Non-Commissioned Officer....
• Traveled all over the world...
• Probably made a million dollars (then spent it:)....
• Sewn 10+ quilts all by hand...
• Learned and taught all different types of fitness and martial arts...
• Won awards for my writing...And singing (but you wouldn't know that today:)...
• Supervised incredibly large staffs of people....
• Spoken if front of monsterous auditoriums full of spectators...
• Had my hand-written journal used as an example for a Master's Degree program....

Then there's the part of me that knows that something wasn't right...I never had to explain anything to anyone. Part of me wishes that I was alone when I went through the discovery phase and diagnosis. When I was alone, or just dating someone, I never had to explain why two conflicting noises and a conversation was just too much for me. There was no need to....I could just walk away.

In fact, being aloof may have been my strongest point. Until the other person got too close.

I'm new to all of this, so I don't really know how it works for the rest of the Asperger world...For me, it's either black or white. There's no grey area. I like you, or not. You're a liar, or not...It's either right or wrong. I always have to know what's going on though. I ask WAY too many questions because I have to know where I stand and what's going on because my people reading skills SUCK!

It was never about his Marriage or family....

It's all about his job.... Just like it was always all about the Army....

I should have been in bed a long time ago, but I had a feeling that J was going to go for the gold as far as fighting was concerned and I was right!  I made a bit of a boo boo and it cost me tonight.  We were at HIS bar and his creds (gov't ID) fell out of his jacket. This was after he made a point to announce it to the bar that it they were in there in the first place.

I was wearing his jacket at the time and boy that wasn't a good thing... the waiter returned it to him and the Sh** the fan.  He swore at me and belittled me in the restaurant.  He told me that were done.  I got up, went to the ladies room, composed myself and left.  I just walked right out the door.  J didn't even notice.


The waiter did and told him.  "Your wife just left".  "Wife".  What a joke.  Well, he was a little pissed when he got home  (understatement) and told me that when Monday rolls around he's going to a lawyer and getting a divorce.  I told him no, that I don't want one.  I would like to get counseling.  He said all sorts of nasty mean things to me.  God, it was horrible.  He said that I was one of those soldiers that he couldn't stand that goes into the Army and only stays in for a little while and then gets out on something that is so trivial and collects money and he stayed in for 20 years and he gets the same amount that I get....

He called me a prostitute and a hooker.  He balled his fist up and said that he wishes he could hit me.  I just keep thinking that if I tell him that I love him over and over that he will open his eyes and realize that if I go this time I won't come back.  He really can't keep hurting me like this.

Asperger's doesn't mean I'm crazy....

You're Cheatin' Heart....

I have thought for a while that J is cheating on me.  Trust has always been an issue for me anyway, and despite the fact that we had issues in the past, I took him back.

There were conditions back then, and conditions prior to the merging of the households.  I told him that because of the lying and the voicemail left on his cell by the woman from the bar that I would be on him like a fat kid on a twinkie.  And could he handle that?

There were many vehement YES'sssss.  The affirmative answers were said in front of the Chaplain, myself, assorted friends (I'm sure you get the idea).

Realistically, I am the type of person that doesn't get my panties in a bunch for no reason.  I don't have time for that.  So when things started to happen, and get a little weird, my ears perked up.

Hmmmm, I am not on the bank accounts, not involved in the house... If he dies, his Mom gets everything. 

Then he starts being mean to me.  Picking fights. Lots of things don't add up.

It only gets worse, and more weird.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

The Bizarre Fountain of Useless Knowledge

The Eastern philosophers believe that everything affects your well being.  And that once your well being is affected you have essentially "hit the wall" as far as stress is concerned.  There are tiers of health and once your physical health has deteriorated you have eroded all of the other levels including spiritual and mental.

As I look around at our society, I can see proof of this every day.  In people's skin and hair.  They don't smile at one another and aren't genuinely happy.  I'm not happy either, that's how I know.   And it's probably harder for someone like me.  Don't think I hate saying that all the time, but it is...Wondering about whether or not people are lying to me, have ulterior motives.  No wonder we all just avoid the general population.

I don't know if regular people (NTs) don't care about reading people's signals, or if they just do it naturally, but for me, it's becoming so frustrating, I'd rather just live in a hole somewhere.

Especially in relationships.  It's exhausting.  Trying to guess what the other person is thinking or wants.  Who the hell knows.  I have read more books about relationships and grilled more people about relationships and look where it got me;

NOWHERE!!!!  But I give fabulous advice to everyone else.  I can be a great girl to date, but don't live with me, and definitely don't marry me!

NOW HEAR THIS>>>>
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!! 

Let me explain the issues here:

     1. I have no clue what you're thinking, men!  If you don't call, you don't care. I'm done.
     2.  I don't know when you're joking unless you laugh, or tell me that you're joking.  Trust me, it sucks more for me, than you.
     3.  Tact is not something that I have!  I open my mouth and am bound to say the wrong thing. Sorry.
     4.  A pretty face.  Yup.  Get the helmet boys...Behind the face is Forrest Gump.
     5.  I am easily offended because I take things literally. 
     6.  I may forgive what you say, but I remember it FOREVER!  Be careful opening your piehole.  Words are dangerous ammo...They can ruin you.
     7.  I am sensitive to touch.  If I'm tired my skin gets uncomfortable...I'm always cold and don't like to be naked for fun because of the air on my skin.
     8.  I know lots and lots about sex...so what!  It doesn't make me a freak any more than knowing about murder makes me a serial killer.  I am a bizarre fountain of useless knowledge....You name it, it's in there.
     9.  Noise is my enemy....
     10.  I do errands in a circle.
     11.  My quirks make me uncomfortable.


Up to now, I spent most of my time apologizing for my quirks and keeping my life in such logical order that it was taking all of my energy to remind myself that I was still human.  I still don't understand very much about this thing called "Asperger's".  Other than the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it.

Logic.  You can't live your whole life like that...The lesson for today boys and girls.

Watching My Own Execution....

A movie came out over the summer and I saw the trailer with J while we were watching a video. It's called Adam. It's about a guy with Asperger's and his struggles with trying to fit in and the relationship that he's trying to begin.


I have to say, it was painful to watch the few minutes of the trailer. Like a trainwreck....Or an execution. I really didn't want to look, but I wanted to see what my own experiences and quirks look like. Now I can't find the movie ANYWHERE!!!!


I figured that since we saw the trailer on a DVD preview that logic would dictate that it was out on DVD, right? Nope.


I reeeeeaaaaallllly don't want to see this in the theater. Being that uncomfortable in my own basement leads me to believe that I will really be in pain in public.


So, I am off to find this film close by, and then see if I can subtley medicate beforehand and still be able to watch with comprehension.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

White Wasn't White...

My Aunt can't smell. Not a thing... That means she also can't taste. One is impossibly linked to the other.... In the middle of winter a few years ago she slipped on a patch of ice and hit her head...She made a full recovery, except for one (well, two) things. Imagine that, you know that the fire is there, you can see it burning, but you can't smell the smoke.

That is what it's like to have Asperger's sometimes. You know what people are telling you, you see what they are doing, but you question everything. I feel like I have a certain amount of intuition, but it's more of an emotional sixth sense. I used to attribute it to the fact that I grew up in an extremely abusive household, I was walking on eggshells all the time because I never knew what kind of mood my mother or stepfather were going to be in, so I learned to decipher the air. I could feel the tension, or the ease. It could also happen the other way around, though.

There was a beautiful, clear day and I was sitting cross-legged on my bed. I may have been ten or eleven. I had a hand-me-down white eyelet bedspread that I just loved, and my bed was made just so. The world, MY world, was at peace for a second. Just then my stepfather flew into my room, smacked me open handed across the face and exited as quickly as he had entered. I didn't even have time to exhale before the blood started to run from my nose onto my gorgeous, white bedspread. There was never an explanation for the smack and I ended up having to dye the white to black. I never let me guard down again after that. Peace wasn't peace...White wasn't white.

My Own Aspie Symptoms....

How I knew that I had Asperger's....

I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.

Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".

Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....

Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.

Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.

I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.

Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)

Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.

Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....

I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.

Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.

I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;

A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!

Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....

I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.

Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....

A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.

I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.

High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?

Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.

This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.

The Beginning....

Most people would never know that I have Asperger's. Hell, up until May, I didn't know for sure. It was at the mere suggestion (possibly even a joking comment) that a friend made about a habit that I have of sleeping with a heavy blanket year round that got me looking into the possibility. As an aside, it was mentioned to me the blanket thing can be indicitive of Autism.

"It's a comfort thing," he said, "Actually, you do a few things that make me think of Autism..."

I walked away after that. No offense, but there was no way I was retarded....It's bad enough I have narcolepsy and restless leg syndrome! Plus, I have no tact (I'm a Sagittarius, what can I say). I can feasibly explain every quirk, personality issue and social problem that I have and nothing ever had to do with the "A" word. (I realize now it has everything to do with it.) Asshole may have come up, however, that's rarely used for women.

My formal diagnosis was two days ago on Thursday, July 9th, 2009. Did I need a doctor to tell me that I have Asperger's? No, not really. I just needed a confirmation that my research was correct. She didn't even do a checklist which kind of bummed me out. She did however ask why I was there if I didn't want treatment. My answer....

I am horrible at relationships. And the one I'm in is going downhill at neckbreaking speed, no matter what I do to try and help it's only getting worse.

But this is only the beginning....

I'm 34, newly diagnosed and haven't even started exploring this world yet.