Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

The Bizarre Fountain of Useless Knowledge

The Eastern philosophers believe that everything affects your well being.  And that once your well being is affected you have essentially "hit the wall" as far as stress is concerned.  There are tiers of health and once your physical health has deteriorated you have eroded all of the other levels including spiritual and mental.

As I look around at our society, I can see proof of this every day.  In people's skin and hair.  They don't smile at one another and aren't genuinely happy.  I'm not happy either, that's how I know.   And it's probably harder for someone like me.  Don't think I hate saying that all the time, but it is...Wondering about whether or not people are lying to me, have ulterior motives.  No wonder we all just avoid the general population.

I don't know if regular people (NTs) don't care about reading people's signals, or if they just do it naturally, but for me, it's becoming so frustrating, I'd rather just live in a hole somewhere.

Especially in relationships.  It's exhausting.  Trying to guess what the other person is thinking or wants.  Who the hell knows.  I have read more books about relationships and grilled more people about relationships and look where it got me;

NOWHERE!!!!  But I give fabulous advice to everyone else.  I can be a great girl to date, but don't live with me, and definitely don't marry me!

NOW HEAR THIS>>>>
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!! 

Let me explain the issues here:

     1. I have no clue what you're thinking, men!  If you don't call, you don't care. I'm done.
     2.  I don't know when you're joking unless you laugh, or tell me that you're joking.  Trust me, it sucks more for me, than you.
     3.  Tact is not something that I have!  I open my mouth and am bound to say the wrong thing. Sorry.
     4.  A pretty face.  Yup.  Get the helmet boys...Behind the face is Forrest Gump.
     5.  I am easily offended because I take things literally. 
     6.  I may forgive what you say, but I remember it FOREVER!  Be careful opening your piehole.  Words are dangerous ammo...They can ruin you.
     7.  I am sensitive to touch.  If I'm tired my skin gets uncomfortable...I'm always cold and don't like to be naked for fun because of the air on my skin.
     8.  I know lots and lots about sex...so what!  It doesn't make me a freak any more than knowing about murder makes me a serial killer.  I am a bizarre fountain of useless knowledge....You name it, it's in there.
     9.  Noise is my enemy....
     10.  I do errands in a circle.
     11.  My quirks make me uncomfortable.


Up to now, I spent most of my time apologizing for my quirks and keeping my life in such logical order that it was taking all of my energy to remind myself that I was still human.  I still don't understand very much about this thing called "Asperger's".  Other than the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it.

Logic.  You can't live your whole life like that...The lesson for today boys and girls.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.