If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

It was never about his Marriage or family....

It's all about his job.... Just like it was always all about the Army....

I should have been in bed a long time ago, but I had a feeling that J was going to go for the gold as far as fighting was concerned and I was right!  I made a bit of a boo boo and it cost me tonight.  We were at HIS bar and his creds (gov't ID) fell out of his jacket. This was after he made a point to announce it to the bar that it they were in there in the first place.

I was wearing his jacket at the time and boy that wasn't a good thing... the waiter returned it to him and the Sh** the fan.  He swore at me and belittled me in the restaurant.  He told me that were done.  I got up, went to the ladies room, composed myself and left.  I just walked right out the door.  J didn't even notice.


The waiter did and told him.  "Your wife just left".  "Wife".  What a joke.  Well, he was a little pissed when he got home  (understatement) and told me that when Monday rolls around he's going to a lawyer and getting a divorce.  I told him no, that I don't want one.  I would like to get counseling.  He said all sorts of nasty mean things to me.  God, it was horrible.  He said that I was one of those soldiers that he couldn't stand that goes into the Army and only stays in for a little while and then gets out on something that is so trivial and collects money and he stayed in for 20 years and he gets the same amount that I get....

He called me a prostitute and a hooker.  He balled his fist up and said that he wishes he could hit me.  I just keep thinking that if I tell him that I love him over and over that he will open his eyes and realize that if I go this time I won't come back.  He really can't keep hurting me like this.

Asperger's doesn't mean I'm crazy....

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

The Bizarre Fountain of Useless Knowledge

The Eastern philosophers believe that everything affects your well being.  And that once your well being is affected you have essentially "hit the wall" as far as stress is concerned.  There are tiers of health and once your physical health has deteriorated you have eroded all of the other levels including spiritual and mental.

As I look around at our society, I can see proof of this every day.  In people's skin and hair.  They don't smile at one another and aren't genuinely happy.  I'm not happy either, that's how I know.   And it's probably harder for someone like me.  Don't think I hate saying that all the time, but it is...Wondering about whether or not people are lying to me, have ulterior motives.  No wonder we all just avoid the general population.

I don't know if regular people (NTs) don't care about reading people's signals, or if they just do it naturally, but for me, it's becoming so frustrating, I'd rather just live in a hole somewhere.

Especially in relationships.  It's exhausting.  Trying to guess what the other person is thinking or wants.  Who the hell knows.  I have read more books about relationships and grilled more people about relationships and look where it got me;

NOWHERE!!!!  But I give fabulous advice to everyone else.  I can be a great girl to date, but don't live with me, and definitely don't marry me!

NOW HEAR THIS>>>>
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!! 

Let me explain the issues here:

     1. I have no clue what you're thinking, men!  If you don't call, you don't care. I'm done.
     2.  I don't know when you're joking unless you laugh, or tell me that you're joking.  Trust me, it sucks more for me, than you.
     3.  Tact is not something that I have!  I open my mouth and am bound to say the wrong thing. Sorry.
     4.  A pretty face.  Yup.  Get the helmet boys...Behind the face is Forrest Gump.
     5.  I am easily offended because I take things literally. 
     6.  I may forgive what you say, but I remember it FOREVER!  Be careful opening your piehole.  Words are dangerous ammo...They can ruin you.
     7.  I am sensitive to touch.  If I'm tired my skin gets uncomfortable...I'm always cold and don't like to be naked for fun because of the air on my skin.
     8.  I know lots and lots about sex...so what!  It doesn't make me a freak any more than knowing about murder makes me a serial killer.  I am a bizarre fountain of useless knowledge....You name it, it's in there.
     9.  Noise is my enemy....
     10.  I do errands in a circle.
     11.  My quirks make me uncomfortable.


Up to now, I spent most of my time apologizing for my quirks and keeping my life in such logical order that it was taking all of my energy to remind myself that I was still human.  I still don't understand very much about this thing called "Asperger's".  Other than the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it.

Logic.  You can't live your whole life like that...The lesson for today boys and girls.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

No Where Near Together....

This blog began as a way for me to hopefully help others like me (and their partners) deal with some of the struggles that can go along with the day to day stresses of having Asperger's and having to maintain any long term relationship. As time has gone on in my relationship, it has just gotten more bizarre.

Who knows why I can't keep things going in a relationship...If I knew, would I be writing this blog? I also wouldn't feel like a failure. Here's what I was told:

I will always be there for you.
I know that you have issues, that's ok. I can handle it.
"You know what I love about Jenn, she can just deal with things and smile and keep going sometimes...I've learned that from her. She's a better person than I am."
I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.
You make me a better man.

All I want is someone that wants a life together...we may live in the same house, but were not anywhere near together.

Down With Hallmark....Love Is Not Enough!!

It's probably better that I have little to no people reading this blog...Because this entry is going to be a doozy....

Ok, I'm going to say it.....

I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE!

I think it's a huge crock made up by the movie industry and Hallmark. Come on, if you're about to sign out, you can't honestly think that you haven't heard this before? I am NOT the first person that has ever said this. The thing that people call "love" is a chemical process that slowly disintegrates over time and whatever you're left with is the rest of the story (a lasting relationship, or a break-up).

It's called compatibility, people. Why haven't we grasped that yet? E-harmony has....that's why they give you a million and 1 questions. They know that in the end, you have to LIKE the person and their values.

If your relationship becomes really hard to maintain and you ask someone, "Why are you with me?" and their answer is "Because I love you"....

RUN!

Love is not real.

Dirty socks are real. Your stuff, their stuff.....That's real. These things need to be worked out before you decide that you are in it for the long haul. Living together is great....Write down your expectations. Be honest.

Be worse than honest. Be Brutal...Do you fart in the middle of the night? Tell the person you care about that you could send a neighborhood underground in fear of their lives.....

Are you a slob? Make your place ten times worse and invite your significant other over to see the reaction....

Are you up with the sun....Do they sleep in?....this may not be huge now....You LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE the person right now. Just wait. When your honey is complaining that you are being too loud at 10am and half of your day is shot to hell.....It will happen when they get comfy enough to start giving you a hard time....

My Grandmother always said to marry your best friend. I would have, except he was a 6 foot 5 inch gay man and not terribly interested in me that way. It makes sense though, doesn't it? Your best friend embodies all of the qualities that you have. You don't choose friends that are polar opposites.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!! You need understanding, truth, caring and connection. Honesty about who you are. Understanding about what happens when two lives merge. Caring enough about each other to handle the speedbumps.

And the true connection that will keep you together through the tough times. Love is a myth. A card that I threw in the trash a long time ago.

By the way, I am not a cynic, I am a realist.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

My Own Aspie Symptoms....

How I knew that I had Asperger's....

I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.

Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".

Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....

Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.

Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.

I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.

Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)

Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.

Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....

I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.

Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.

I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;

A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!

Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....

I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.

Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....

A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.

I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.

High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?

Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.

This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.

Gas Dryer Heaven.....

I can't make small talk....Another Asperger's thing that I have always had that I thought was just a quirk of mine...I can't do that "Oh, hi, how are you....Blah, blah, blah...."

Again, there's a reason why I'm writing this....

Our new washer and dryer were supposed to be installed today....I say were, because the washer made it in, but the dryer went back to wherever dryers come from....Dryer heaven, I guess. Anyway, the installer (god forbid, he even gets THAT title) said that he couldn't put it in because of the pipe that was hooked up to our older than dirt dryer and that I needed a plumber to come out and put something on that would connect it properly to the new hose.

It's not my house....which I am politely reminded by words and actions every other day, so I call J at work.

I proceed to tell him, quickly and tersely that the gas dryer needs something (I don't speak Spanish) and that won't put the dryer in....Or turn the gas off. They DON'T do that....my husband was angry because I called him at work....He said that I yelled....I hung up on him twice, that much I do recall.

So, the ahem "Installers" leave....With said dryer and tell me to get a plumber and they will come back with my dryer.....I try and call J again, but there's no answer.

Anyone who knows Asperger's knows that we don't ask for help....It's just not in our DNA.

So, I set out to get a plumber....Last I heard, J didn't want to do this himself....Low and behold, one would be out in the afternoon to check it out and that would be that.

J WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR DEALING WITH THIS AND NOT BOTHERING HIM WITH IT!!!

So, J gets home and pulls in the driveway very late....he asks about the dryer and I tell him that they're coming back to install it on Saturday. He asks about the pipe, valve thing and I tell him that I had a plumber come out and fix it:) I was very excited and thought that he was going to be happy. I didn't realize that he was going to get angry with me for spending the money on it.

He ended up on the phone with Home Depot, mad at me for calling, then not calling...hiring a plumber....even though he said that he didn't want to do it himself....

Confused yet? I am:(

Huge, Flying Red Flags...

I watched a movie this weekend called "Living Proof" about a wonderful Doctor that is working to find a cancer treatment that isn't poison...

The reason that this is valid to this entry is because during the movie there is a character played by Bernadette Peters that finds a lump in her breast and when her husband asks about it she says (in a very straightforward way) "It's cancer". Her husband says that she can't possibly know that, and she says that she does, and it is cancer.

That's how I felt about Asperger's. I knew....There was just something in my soul that knew.

I didn't want it to be true, but the more I researched about it, the more I realized that my quirks had less to do with my upbringing and everything to do with my neurology. My family wanted it to be just the opposite. Part of them, like J , just wouldn't believe it until it was diagnosed. I showed him checklists, symptoms, articles, journals.....You name it.

My mother told me that I am an Indigo Child....turning in to a Crystal Adult. Wow, hold me back on that one....

So, let's go through this one together.....I am going to reference the MedScape nurses's site for the symptoms and I will digress back to the good ole teen years.....

"failure to develop appropriate relationships, lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment or interests, lack of emotional reciprocity"

Me: I read somewhere that 80% of AS marriages fail....Hmmmm, I've been married how many times.... Quote from J "I think you're so smart that you don't know how to love." Thanks, Honey, way to make a girl feel good:)
Oh and FYI-I don't do anything spontaneously, it scares me:)

"apparently inflexible adherence to nonfunctional routines or rituals"

Me: I was in the Army for over 4 years and this would have been a good thing, except I worked in a hospital. I couldn't do the ever changing schedule and being called in day and night. I was always being referred to as "concrete" and "inflexible" by my supervisors.

It's funny, there's so much more, but even as I read through it, in another link, I get caught up in it and it gets depressing and I have to just try and ignore it.

I remember that as a child I used to rock on my bed when I would cry. The reason that I stopped was because someone said something to me about "retards" doing that...I knew enough to know that that was negative, so I forced myself to not do it anymore.

Some of the behaviors that would have been huge, waving red flags went unnoticed. Maybe it wouldn't have helped at all...

OCD and OC Duh....

It's very difficult to help people understand how the mind of someone like me works if they don't own it. Let me give you a true life example of this...

My Significant Other....We can call him J works all day long. That's what he does. We have traditional roles. ie. He goes to work in the morning at 5:20 and gets home around 4:30 in the afternoon and I stay home and make sure that everything in the house is done.

Sort-of.

Asperger's makes me question everything 1000 times over. Mostly dinner and things like that, but it's worse with J because he's reaaaaaaly picky about a lot of things.

Anyway, I spend most of the day cleaning, running errands and stuff like that. Domestic goddess things. Don't let yourself think for a second that I'm sleeping in and going to the spa...I get up at about 6 am and I do work....I'll get to that later. I clean, a lot.

J is a packrat and a slob. I have told him this, so it's no secret, he's not dirty, he just leaves his things EVERYWHERE! And that's because he lived alone for 10 years. So, I go behind and pick it all up. No biggie...Until Friday.

Friday J walks in from work later than normal, sits down for a second, chats with me, goes into the kitchen to get a drink then proceeds to pick up the catch plate under the stove burner and washes it in the sink.

Now this doesn't seem like a big deal to the lay person....Until you are privy to the information that this is the man that can't manage to move his dirty underwear to the hamper. If there is no hamper present, he drops them on the floor next to his dresser 3 feet from the hamper area and claims that he "doesn't want me to trip on the pile."

NEWS FLASH: I walk an arch around the area regardless....because of my OCD. The hamper goes there, so in my mind, it's always there....

So, there he is....In the kitchen. In his work clothes. Washing the catch plate. The only NOT CLEAN thing in the house.

My mind is thinking: Ungrateful, POS, Thankless, Why Do I Bother?

We did discuss this....He claims that he can't help it.

OK, and the laundry is just going to hop into the hamper on it's own, huh?