Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

You're Cheatin' Heart....

I have thought for a while that J is cheating on me.  Trust has always been an issue for me anyway, and despite the fact that we had issues in the past, I took him back.

There were conditions back then, and conditions prior to the merging of the households.  I told him that because of the lying and the voicemail left on his cell by the woman from the bar that I would be on him like a fat kid on a twinkie.  And could he handle that?

There were many vehement YES'sssss.  The affirmative answers were said in front of the Chaplain, myself, assorted friends (I'm sure you get the idea).

Realistically, I am the type of person that doesn't get my panties in a bunch for no reason.  I don't have time for that.  So when things started to happen, and get a little weird, my ears perked up.

Hmmmm, I am not on the bank accounts, not involved in the house... If he dies, his Mom gets everything. 

Then he starts being mean to me.  Picking fights. Lots of things don't add up.

It only gets worse, and more weird.

Big Dogs, The Twilight Zone and Turkey Basters Hooray!!!!

Imagine, if you will, a large German Shepard straining to get out of a very small cage.  A street of houses, all the same in shape and color, they appear lived in, but you never see people entering or leaving them.  Behind me sits my younger sister trying desperately to entertain her husband in Afganistan by simulating a blow job via web cam with a turkey baster....

Welcome to my Twilight Zone...

As all of this is going on, J and I are fighting as usual...  I need him to just make me feel like this is a stable relationship.  Wow, is that so hard to do?  He said that it is.

I would just stay in Savannah, but my daughter has school and I have a life....

I think.

Savannah Smells Like Poo.

I'm in Savannah GA at my little sister's house.  I haven't seen her in about 10 years.  Her husband is deployed and he's making her crazy.  J is making me crazy.  It just works out that I needed a break too.  So, here I am. 

It's cold.  Like home.  That sucks.

Do you know what sucks more?  I would be starting my Law Program just a few cities from here in Jacksonville FL on Wednesday.

Go me.

By the way, Savannah smells like poo.  Apparently, it's the paper factories.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

Wanted: A New Heart For A New Year....2010

All I thought about was the past... And how I can't repeat the mistakes that my mother made.  I can't sacrifice my daughter for myself.  It isn't fair...My heart can live without the past.

Circumstances just didn't work out for us... It happens.  Timing isn't right, the stars don't align and the people that are supposed to be together, don't end up together.

Then there's me.  I make the logical choice.  Because the heart never chooses wisely, now does it?  Think about this for a second, where did Romeo and Juliet end up?  Their decision wasn't based on logic, was it?

It's a new year.  Do I have any resolutions? Sure....Get a stronger heart.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop wanting things I can't have...... 

Did I mention that there was an e-mail from him when I get home? My past, I mean....