If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

Being Grateful At The Pakistani Circus...

I stayed at my friend Neelam's last night.  I was comfortable and felt safe.  Her house is like a Pakistani circus.  There's always yelling in Erdu, and although I know that it isn't yelling in a negative way, it makes me cringe because any yelling takes me back to an abusive childhood.  The house has huge vaulted ceilings and Neelam has a booming voice that echoes when she talks, so the amplification is doubled.


Neelam has three daughters and one son.  The children are all amazing, but struggle through the cultural issues of being caught between our wasteland of a melting pot and their own Muslim heritage.  I respect her husband's drive to keep their daughters' attire modest and faithful to the religion.  I try to keep my daughter free from the nastiness that surrounds her everyday... It's tough in our country, but we have to make a concerted effort together.   


I have known Neelam and her family for about 6 years and she has seen me through many tough and good times.  When I was diagnosed with Celiac's, Neelam cooked chicken and rice for me so that I wouldn't starve.  It was the first "real" food that I had eaten in a week.   Sometimes, I think that she feels sorry for me because I am this skinny, too-big boobed, American girl with an abusive husband that doesn't love me.  Or maybe that's just me feeling that way.  


This is probably the worst that she's seen me.    I have cried on her shoulder, but haven't ever had to live with her.  


She and her husband say that I do do much for them, but they have done so much more for my daughter and I than I could ever repay.  Just the fact that I have a friend is worth the world to me.  

The Equation of Autism & Asperger's... When Nothing Adds Up.

This is a really old post....


In my mind I don't equate Autism and Asperger's....That may sound narrow-minded and I apologize if I offend anyone by writing that...But I think of Autism as being something much more serious and debilitating than what I have. My nephew has Autism and a good friend of mine had a son with Autism so severe that he will probably never live on his own.

How can I say that I have that and then put down on my resume that I have :

• Published poetry....
• Been in a commercial...
• Survived the Army and been a Non-Commissioned Officer....
• Traveled all over the world...
• Probably made a million dollars (then spent it:)....
• Sewn 10+ quilts all by hand...
• Learned and taught all different types of fitness and martial arts...
• Won awards for my writing...And singing (but you wouldn't know that today:)...
• Supervised incredibly large staffs of people....
• Spoken if front of monsterous auditoriums full of spectators...
• Had my hand-written journal used as an example for a Master's Degree program....

Then there's the part of me that knows that something wasn't right...I never had to explain anything to anyone. Part of me wishes that I was alone when I went through the discovery phase and diagnosis. When I was alone, or just dating someone, I never had to explain why two conflicting noises and a conversation was just too much for me. There was no need to....I could just walk away.

In fact, being aloof may have been my strongest point. Until the other person got too close.

I'm new to all of this, so I don't really know how it works for the rest of the Asperger world...For me, it's either black or white. There's no grey area. I like you, or not. You're a liar, or not...It's either right or wrong. I always have to know what's going on though. I ask WAY too many questions because I have to know where I stand and what's going on because my people reading skills SUCK!

Four Pages....But Nothing Said....

So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.

Unfortunately, it's in Florida.  Now, I know what you're thinking...

You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right? 

Nope.  I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with.  A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond.  It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.

He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!!  Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.

Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida.  Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there.   Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:

* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...

I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.

Getting A Grip...

It has been a hell of a long time since I bothered blogging...  Maybe I have been too tired, busy, whatever.  Sometimes, life takes over and over takes you.  I also haven't done anything else that I have wanted to do or been meaning to.  Such as;  working on my quilt...  being healthier, getting more sleep, trying to get a grip on my Asperger's, helping my girl...Just lots of things.  


I did however, set up my schedule for school in the fall. I will hopefully be moving when my daughter gets out of school...One year undergrad... Two years accelerated law.  


The separation agreement was final on the 20th of April.  Not even a month.  He accused me of cheating with EVERYONE last night.  All night long.  Then at 4 am he had all the lights on and the TV blasting and and the doors slamming. As I tried to sleep on the floor of my daughter's room.


After what I've been through, I deserve a law degree and freedom.  At least.