Frye Boots & An Elephant In My Ear...

Wow, I have 4 fans! 

That rocks my small and insignificant world... In some way that makes me smile and I feel as though I may have made a difference in someone's world.  I opened the old girl this afternoon just to take a gander at how my world used to look.  Things have taken a drastic turn. I now have one loyal follower and four brave fans.  

     Let's see, I'm now 36, I left Northern Virginia for the outback of Southwest Florida to babysit appliances in someone else's house (like an idiot).  Long story...as usual.  I should say that I ran away from home, but running would mean that there was no real premeditation.  There had to be some planning involved.  Not much, but some.

     If you were following the madness in my world, J, the man that was desperately trying to make me lose my mind was left behind.  It still bothers me slightly (J, don't flatter yourself if you're reading this).  Only because I feel stupid.  

     I'm not sure that anyone ever sees emotional abuse coming. Like a ground fog, it just seeps in and the next thing you know, there isn't any visibility at all.  And it really is all encompassing because you end up wondering how one moment you're seeing so far ahead into your own future and the next moment nothing is clear at all.

     I was raised by very powerful and empowering women and have never been in a situation where I have allowed that power to be taken from me.  Both emotionally and physically.  I am still reconciling what happened, wanting to know the reasons why he did what he did.  If it happened once, it would have been excusable, but it was over and over.  Made worse by alcohol.

     The final straw; The boots.  A beautiful pair of Frye boots that I couldn't have bought on my own.  That's right fans... We didn't share anything, keep that in mind, no shared finances.  He made TONS of money and I had NOTHING!  Well, J bought me the boots.  And I made the mistake of canceling a trip that he paid for because spending the weekend with him, well, not pleasant.  To Vegas.  He actually only paid for part of it.  I lost on it too.  Vegas.  I really didn't see that being a winning situation.  Anyway, he races home to beat me to the boots and I tell him that they're inside the door.  Three days later they're still in the box.  Inside the door.  I ask J if he's going to let me have them.  His answer, "I'm waiting to see if you deserve them". 

     Huh?  Let me go grab a Q-tip...  I think I may have something really BIG in my ear.  Like an elephant!  DESERVE, huh!!!!  Yes, that's what he said.  So, I took a deep breath and that was that. I would have slept on the street.  He had called me the help a couple of nights before and I was a little peeved.  But this one just took it!  

     He may have money, but I have normalcy and truth.  He will always be a liar.  Always.   

      So, what next for me... I have a new blog... Shhhh, it's on yahoo.  just_jenn is my yahoo name.  I am applying to school here just to be getting an education.  This area is nice.  

     

     As for men. Nope.  I'm good for now.  I think I've been damaged enough for 36 years.  It's time for a rest.  There are plenty of old ladies that need roommates here and company. If you're ever in the Ft. Myers, Fl are keep your eyes open for the short-haired girl with the big goofy smile.  That's me.

Come visit me on Yahoo.

If The Shoe Fits.... At Least Return It....

I lost a perfectly good pair of shoes today.  I know what any sane person would think...


"How does one lose a pair of shoes?"  Well, when you live with someone that is vindictive and throws your things away to spite you because they are too cowardly to confront you directly, you "lose" things.


I didn't realize it for so long, because it was never anything that I wouldn't have misplaced on my own.  Then I started to keep track of where I would put things.  And where I would look for them.  


For example, my hair straightener.  This one is HUGE!!!!


My hair straightener disappeared and when I accused J of hiding it he denied it to the nth degree.  I really had to wrack my brain to remember the last place I used it because we have 2 bathrooms and the one I usually do my hair was being remodeled.  So, after killing myself to remember, and then ripping the house apart, I remembered that I had stuck it between towels in the linen closet to cool.  I methodically, one by one, took them out only to find that there was no straightener.  No shocker there.  Even my daughter knew where I had put it.  Back went the towels.


When J got home, I waited to see if he put it back where he found it.  Sure enough.  Back in the linen closet. 


Now, the missing shoes.  They were in a bag that I brought in from my car with some dirty clothes that my daughter had left at a friend's house.  I asked J about them, and asked him if he touched them.  He said no.  Sure, just because I can't prove that God exists, doesn't mean that he isn't there.


Liar.  I hate liars.


Is it going to be like this forever?  

Throwing the Hippos Out With the Harleys.....

After being choked to death for two days by curry and spice, I did decide to return to my own home.  As much as I love my best friend, it's very oily at her house.  Everything seemed to be deep fried.  By Sunday, my completion, clothing and hair had a lovely Halal sheen to it.  I faced the fact that I am not meant to be Pakistani.


On a less fun note, I was working on my laundry (I say working, because it will never be finished) and I realized, with a sinking heart that J even threw out the weather station that he NEVER opened.  That's right; A gift that was never opened.  Actually, let me rewind here, because my solo reader doesn't know the back story.


I came back from Costa Rica and J decided that he was going to move all of the living room furniture to the basement because I wouldn't move out right now!  Keep in mind, he has been verbally abusing me for quite a while, and we are legally separated.


While he is throwing a temper tantrum, he finds my journal laying in plain sight and reads it. Decides that he's going to read into it and throws a fit.


I get home from the gym, and he apologizes for the great furniture movement.  Then lights into me about how I'm a SLUT and how DARE I go outside our marriage with B, blah, blah, blah.....


Notice the remorse in my voice.


Anyway,  following the verbal tirade, he begins to throw things out.  Things I have given him.  I pride myself on gift giving.  I go out of my way to find the most perfect gift for the hardest to buy for person.  My success rate is impeccable.  


J threw out things that can't be replaced.  The house is empty.  I look around and my heart hurts.


He has never really bought me anything that he really had to put effort into.  Point and click, or I had to give him a list.  Oh, even better than that, he will ask me if I should get a gift for something (like Mother's Day) if I say no, then he really won't get me one.


Am I supposed to say yes???  Sure, let me sound selfish and greedy.  The last time I said that I stuck my big, fat foot in my mouth I heard about it so many times I vowed, never again!!!!


So, the garbage guys took it all.  It makes me ill thinking of it all, really.  How immature does one have to be to do that?

Being Grateful At The Pakistani Circus...

I stayed at my friend Neelam's last night.  I was comfortable and felt safe.  Her house is like a Pakistani circus.  There's always yelling in Erdu, and although I know that it isn't yelling in a negative way, it makes me cringe because any yelling takes me back to an abusive childhood.  The house has huge vaulted ceilings and Neelam has a booming voice that echoes when she talks, so the amplification is doubled.


Neelam has three daughters and one son.  The children are all amazing, but struggle through the cultural issues of being caught between our wasteland of a melting pot and their own Muslim heritage.  I respect her husband's drive to keep their daughters' attire modest and faithful to the religion.  I try to keep my daughter free from the nastiness that surrounds her everyday... It's tough in our country, but we have to make a concerted effort together.   


I have known Neelam and her family for about 6 years and she has seen me through many tough and good times.  When I was diagnosed with Celiac's, Neelam cooked chicken and rice for me so that I wouldn't starve.  It was the first "real" food that I had eaten in a week.   Sometimes, I think that she feels sorry for me because I am this skinny, too-big boobed, American girl with an abusive husband that doesn't love me.  Or maybe that's just me feeling that way.  


This is probably the worst that she's seen me.    I have cried on her shoulder, but haven't ever had to live with her.  


She and her husband say that I do do much for them, but they have done so much more for my daughter and I than I could ever repay.  Just the fact that I have a friend is worth the world to me.  

The Equation of Autism & Asperger's... When Nothing Adds Up.

This is a really old post....


In my mind I don't equate Autism and Asperger's....That may sound narrow-minded and I apologize if I offend anyone by writing that...But I think of Autism as being something much more serious and debilitating than what I have. My nephew has Autism and a good friend of mine had a son with Autism so severe that he will probably never live on his own.

How can I say that I have that and then put down on my resume that I have :

• Published poetry....
• Been in a commercial...
• Survived the Army and been a Non-Commissioned Officer....
• Traveled all over the world...
• Probably made a million dollars (then spent it:)....
• Sewn 10+ quilts all by hand...
• Learned and taught all different types of fitness and martial arts...
• Won awards for my writing...And singing (but you wouldn't know that today:)...
• Supervised incredibly large staffs of people....
• Spoken if front of monsterous auditoriums full of spectators...
• Had my hand-written journal used as an example for a Master's Degree program....

Then there's the part of me that knows that something wasn't right...I never had to explain anything to anyone. Part of me wishes that I was alone when I went through the discovery phase and diagnosis. When I was alone, or just dating someone, I never had to explain why two conflicting noises and a conversation was just too much for me. There was no need to....I could just walk away.

In fact, being aloof may have been my strongest point. Until the other person got too close.

I'm new to all of this, so I don't really know how it works for the rest of the Asperger world...For me, it's either black or white. There's no grey area. I like you, or not. You're a liar, or not...It's either right or wrong. I always have to know what's going on though. I ask WAY too many questions because I have to know where I stand and what's going on because my people reading skills SUCK!

Four Pages....But Nothing Said....

So I got into a LAW PROGRAM.... Yup, that's right, my dumb ass got into a law program.

Unfortunately, it's in Florida.  Now, I know what you're thinking...

You're unhappy in your current situation anyway, so this is good? Right? 

Nope.  I have a daughter that I have to petition the court to move with.  A lovely "Intent to Relocate" letter and 30 days for her father to respond.  It's all fun and games until I have to go to court and fight for this good news.

He wrote a 4-page reponse motion to my letter of intent. FOUR PAGES!!!!  Now I can't imagine what sort of reponse could be contained in four pages, but it can't be all wine and roses.

Meanwhile, J was slightly pissed that I had applied for a school in Florida.  Although, it kept coming back to the fact that he's concerned that I will meet someone else down there.   Let's see, here's the list of eligible candidates:

* Professor~~~Old and gross...Very Cliche, too.
* Lawyer~~~ May fall into the above category.
* Frat Boy~~~ Young and gross... Can you say Cougar!
* Anyone else~~~His fear...

I'm still convinced that all of our fighting stems from his insecurities... but he keeps saying that he's not insecure at all.

Getting A Grip...

It has been a hell of a long time since I bothered blogging...  Maybe I have been too tired, busy, whatever.  Sometimes, life takes over and over takes you.  I also haven't done anything else that I have wanted to do or been meaning to.  Such as;  working on my quilt...  being healthier, getting more sleep, trying to get a grip on my Asperger's, helping my girl...Just lots of things.  


I did however, set up my schedule for school in the fall. I will hopefully be moving when my daughter gets out of school...One year undergrad... Two years accelerated law.  


The separation agreement was final on the 20th of April.  Not even a month.  He accused me of cheating with EVERYONE last night.  All night long.  Then at 4 am he had all the lights on and the TV blasting and and the doors slamming. As I tried to sleep on the floor of my daughter's room.


After what I've been through, I deserve a law degree and freedom.  At least.  

When The Finish Line Is The Beginning

I have never thought that it was ok to say things in anger.  Things that couldn't be taken back.  It's like permanent ink that you can paint over, but it always seeps through.  The shadow is always there.  I don't know how many entries ago I wrote that I was done.  I am.

Maybe the cred thing was subconscious.  Is that the right conscious.... I can never remember....

I guess that I really needed the reality check one more time....

Fear.

What am I truly afraid of?  What's worse than this?    I am a maid, not even paid for my time.  Not even a whore, but treated like one.  It's sad, pathetic.  And I allowed it to happen to me. 

It made me physically ill.  Took my personality away...  My drive, everything.... 

And he claims that he LOVES ME!!!! 

But I am just as bad.  Maybe worse.  Pathetic. 

So, I have apologies.....

I am so sorry.....First of all, to My daughter.....  It's done, but not soon enough.  You never should have been put through this.... History repeats itself, but god, I'd like to think that I am a little bit smarter than your Grandmother when it comes to thinking ahead.   My first concern was you.  Always you....

To my good friend Ben.   You deserved better than what I did to you.  I owed you the truth and I was embarrassed by the fact that I screwed up so badly I couldn't even face myself in the mirror, let alone explain myself to you.

And to me.  Four years.  I hope I learned something.  For once.  35 years and this was the hardest we have ever fought through anything.  For what.... Nothing.  Another lesson.   Another failed relationship.  Failure.

Thank you to all of my good friends that stood by me....  Who held me up when my legs wouldn't do it.

My sister thinks that I'm the strong one because I have left so many times and so many people.   It's not the leaving that is the hard part, it's the starting over that sucks.

It was never about his Marriage or family....

It's all about his job.... Just like it was always all about the Army....

I should have been in bed a long time ago, but I had a feeling that J was going to go for the gold as far as fighting was concerned and I was right!  I made a bit of a boo boo and it cost me tonight.  We were at HIS bar and his creds (gov't ID) fell out of his jacket. This was after he made a point to announce it to the bar that it they were in there in the first place.

I was wearing his jacket at the time and boy that wasn't a good thing... the waiter returned it to him and the Sh** the fan.  He swore at me and belittled me in the restaurant.  He told me that were done.  I got up, went to the ladies room, composed myself and left.  I just walked right out the door.  J didn't even notice.


The waiter did and told him.  "Your wife just left".  "Wife".  What a joke.  Well, he was a little pissed when he got home  (understatement) and told me that when Monday rolls around he's going to a lawyer and getting a divorce.  I told him no, that I don't want one.  I would like to get counseling.  He said all sorts of nasty mean things to me.  God, it was horrible.  He said that I was one of those soldiers that he couldn't stand that goes into the Army and only stays in for a little while and then gets out on something that is so trivial and collects money and he stayed in for 20 years and he gets the same amount that I get....

He called me a prostitute and a hooker.  He balled his fist up and said that he wishes he could hit me.  I just keep thinking that if I tell him that I love him over and over that he will open his eyes and realize that if I go this time I won't come back.  He really can't keep hurting me like this.

Asperger's doesn't mean I'm crazy....

Gluten Is A Four-Letter Word

My BlackBerry rang Friday with a call from my MD and she told me that I have Celiac's Disease.  If you don't know what that lovely medical term means... It is code for "your life sucks and you can't ever eat anything with flour in it AGAIN!"  EVER! 

You have no idea how many things have GLUTEN in them....  Gluten is now a four letter word.  and I hate it.  Not to mention the fact that I stopped eating it, and I don't feel any different.  Not one little teensy bit.  I still feel like crap!

If you have this, you also know how tough it is to shop for yourself.  And expensive.

Great.  Thanks a lot.  It's bad enough that I have Asperger's, then the dairy allergy....Now this.

Where We Never Wanted To Be....

When this blog started out it was going to be my way to try and help other females with AS who were (are) having difficulties with relationships.  I'm not sure that I am any further into understanding my own relationship than I was before. 

I never wonder why my own relationships don't last because I couldn't stay with me either.  That horrible curled up, inside out feeling, like the world can see your veins.  That's when not looking people straight away is ok for me.  They can't see the pain. 

The last time he was messing around it played out.  What if I'm correct now?  A liar will always lie.  Right?

So, I have been no help to anyone.  If this had been a regular relationship, than maybe....  But it was skewed by the the test subject in question...

The ironic part is, we both said that we weren't going to ever get married again. and look where we are;  Where we never wanted to be...

You're Cheatin' Heart....

I have thought for a while that J is cheating on me.  Trust has always been an issue for me anyway, and despite the fact that we had issues in the past, I took him back.

There were conditions back then, and conditions prior to the merging of the households.  I told him that because of the lying and the voicemail left on his cell by the woman from the bar that I would be on him like a fat kid on a twinkie.  And could he handle that?

There were many vehement YES'sssss.  The affirmative answers were said in front of the Chaplain, myself, assorted friends (I'm sure you get the idea).

Realistically, I am the type of person that doesn't get my panties in a bunch for no reason.  I don't have time for that.  So when things started to happen, and get a little weird, my ears perked up.

Hmmmm, I am not on the bank accounts, not involved in the house... If he dies, his Mom gets everything. 

Then he starts being mean to me.  Picking fights. Lots of things don't add up.

It only gets worse, and more weird.

Big Dogs, The Twilight Zone and Turkey Basters Hooray!!!!

Imagine, if you will, a large German Shepard straining to get out of a very small cage.  A street of houses, all the same in shape and color, they appear lived in, but you never see people entering or leaving them.  Behind me sits my younger sister trying desperately to entertain her husband in Afganistan by simulating a blow job via web cam with a turkey baster....

Welcome to my Twilight Zone...

As all of this is going on, J and I are fighting as usual...  I need him to just make me feel like this is a stable relationship.  Wow, is that so hard to do?  He said that it is.

I would just stay in Savannah, but my daughter has school and I have a life....

I think.

Savannah Smells Like Poo.

I'm in Savannah GA at my little sister's house.  I haven't seen her in about 10 years.  Her husband is deployed and he's making her crazy.  J is making me crazy.  It just works out that I needed a break too.  So, here I am. 

It's cold.  Like home.  That sucks.

Do you know what sucks more?  I would be starting my Law Program just a few cities from here in Jacksonville FL on Wednesday.

Go me.

By the way, Savannah smells like poo.  Apparently, it's the paper factories.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

Wanted: A New Heart For A New Year....2010

All I thought about was the past... And how I can't repeat the mistakes that my mother made.  I can't sacrifice my daughter for myself.  It isn't fair...My heart can live without the past.

Circumstances just didn't work out for us... It happens.  Timing isn't right, the stars don't align and the people that are supposed to be together, don't end up together.

Then there's me.  I make the logical choice.  Because the heart never chooses wisely, now does it?  Think about this for a second, where did Romeo and Juliet end up?  Their decision wasn't based on logic, was it?

It's a new year.  Do I have any resolutions? Sure....Get a stronger heart.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop wanting things I can't have...... 

Did I mention that there was an e-mail from him when I get home? My past, I mean....