Savannah Smells Like Poo.

I'm in Savannah GA at my little sister's house.  I haven't seen her in about 10 years.  Her husband is deployed and he's making her crazy.  J is making me crazy.  It just works out that I needed a break too.  So, here I am. 

It's cold.  Like home.  That sucks.

Do you know what sucks more?  I would be starting my Law Program just a few cities from here in Jacksonville FL on Wednesday.

Go me.

By the way, Savannah smells like poo.  Apparently, it's the paper factories.

ADAM and ME

The trailer for the movie "ADAM" was on the DVD for another movie that I had rented.  I didn't forget about the movie, but I did try to be "normal" for a while and not search for it like a rabid animal.  The trailer just put it right back on the top of the in box.

J claims that he has all sorts of movie places on standby to e-mail him when it comes out on DVD, but somehow, and I do believe him on this one, I had to find it. 

A little over 30 minutes and one crappy, bogus IQ quiz later, I was watching a slightly pixelated ADAM on my laptop.  Ironically, the quiz got me nowhere...It asked for my cell number after.

I wouldn't wake J to watch the movie with me because I was in fear of a couple of things:

1.  If the trailer made me cry, what would the movie do....

2.  Would he make some insensitive comment about the main character that would make me feel even more alienated in my own world?

For 90 minutes I held my breath and watched the main character, a 29 year old man with Asperger's very much like mine, lurch through a relationship, be awkward and in pain, and pray that my time with Adam wasn't interrupted by J.  And it wasn't. 

When J finally woke up and came downstairs it took a while for me to tell him that I watched it.  When I tried to explain the quality of it and how I found it... He didn't listen.  As usual. 

When do you know that the movie is over?  When the audience stands up and leaves.

Wanted: A New Heart For A New Year....2010

All I thought about was the past... And how I can't repeat the mistakes that my mother made.  I can't sacrifice my daughter for myself.  It isn't fair...My heart can live without the past.

Circumstances just didn't work out for us... It happens.  Timing isn't right, the stars don't align and the people that are supposed to be together, don't end up together.

Then there's me.  I make the logical choice.  Because the heart never chooses wisely, now does it?  Think about this for a second, where did Romeo and Juliet end up?  Their decision wasn't based on logic, was it?

It's a new year.  Do I have any resolutions? Sure....Get a stronger heart.  Stop thinking about the past.  Stop wanting things I can't have...... 

Did I mention that there was an e-mail from him when I get home? My past, I mean....

The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Kiss My Louis Vuitton Ass!!

My birthday came and went and I'm still here.  Except now, I'm 35.  Wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life.  The only reason that I am sitting here doing nothing is because I feel like the universe will tell me what to do when it's ready.  I'm sure that sounds completely asinine, but that's how it feels.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating certain things.  Like being where I am right now.  My one follower can't see where I am right now, so I will explain.

I am on the couch in someone else's living room.  It's my laptop, but not my couch.  My dog is on the floor next to me, but it isn't my floor.  I clean it, but it isn't mine.  I only have a few things here.  But I clean everything.  The walls are bare.  I have pictures, but I won't put them up, because I don't want retalliation. 

The last few days have been filled with thinking over years of bad decisions.  This was the last one I will make. 

I just wish that someone could learn SOMETHING from me.  If he lies, he will ALWAYS lie.  It won't ever change.  And it means that he doesn't give a crap about you.

I wonder if he has realized that I sent back the Louis Vuitton scarf that he got me for my birthday, yet? 

Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

No Where Near There....

Since relationships are extremely difficult for me to maintain and understand, I wanted others like me to have somewhere to go to commisurate.  It's a tough world to live in when you expect everyone to be honest, say what they mean and understand your native language.

Here's the other problem that I personally have; I don't like to hurt people.

Not that there are people out there that go around emotionally damaging others fo the fun of it, but I really don't like to.  It's the time when I wish that others could read my mind.  It would make things so much easier.  

I have read so many times that people with AS are emotionless. That's not true.  I actually think that we may feel things deeper, but over the course of time, because of sustained abuse, we may learn to hide our emotions really well.  Or, only show the ones that we think are truly relevant.  I know that I guard my emotions very well.  I didn't cry when my ex and I got divorced, but I cried when he got our house foreclosed and I was packing my daughter's room that I tirelessly painted and decorated.  

On my last day in the Army, I just got in my car and drove away from Walter Reed Army Medical Center.  There were no tears, no smiling...I didn't call anyone.
The next time I was there was because one of my former patients was found slumped over his bathtub with a hypodermic needle in his arm.  I sobbed in the post Chapel that rainy day.  That was the first time I'd ever been in that Chapel and probably the last and I couldn't contain myself I hurt so badly for him and his parents.  And as I write this, I still do.

I think Aspies know too much pain.  We just learn to put it away, that's the choice we have to make.

I have this blog mainly to try and understand and to help others with AS understand why their personal relationships are so difficult.

Understanding the miscommunications can put some perspective on things, yes.  However, if your SO isn't willing to learn how to interpret your "language" than any conversation can become useless and frustrating.

How many of my one reader(s) have heard that they use "semantics"?  This one is a classic for me. 

My birthday is coming up and I don't know if I should just leave, or cyanide.  (Don't get crazy, the cyanide is a joke:)  I will be 35 and I am no where near where I wanted to be. 

Is anyone?