Once A Liar, Always A Liar....

To say that I am from one place would be like saying that Baskin Robbins has only ONE flavor...It would be a gross misrepresentation of the product. I am from all over and have lived in quite a few places. Right now I call Northern Virginia the place that I hang my hat. However, my home(s) will always be Vermont and Upstate New York.

I need to clarify the "Upstate" part of that. It's not Albany, or Syracuse....It's UP-state. Close to Canada-A. Plattsburgh, Keeseville area....That far UPSTATE. Albany is the halfway point for me:)

Anyway, I headed home for a visit today and left J at home to do his own thing...If you have Asperger's, or have a spouse with it, trust issues can be a bitch! Things with J and I didn't start off well, so it's always going to be rocky in that department. As far as Asperger's is concerned this would go in the File called: Relationships 101 and Trust Issues and How to Deal With Them

1. If you have lied to your partner in the past, they will always think you are lying. The past defines the future because in their world things never change. Ask them if their likes have changed very much?

2. If they don't trust you and you would like to regain their trust, do what you say you are going to do! DUH! This should be a no brainer people! We are very concrete. If you say that you are going to call your Significant Other, CALL YOUR SO! If you just can't get to the 'phone then have a good reason.

I got to Keeseville in good time and I thought that J would have been curious to see that I was there safely...After all, he had said how worried he was about the weather and that he was going to miss me so much Blah, Blah, blah....

3. AS Partners watch actions very carefully because we can't truly "read" people as well as NT's can. If your actions don't match your words it will usually send up some red flags.

So, I called him. He was getting dinner. And had had a nap...He couldn't really hear me because the reception on my end was bad so could he take his dinner back to the house and call me back....

And he didn't. Now, my brain has a tendency to replay the lovely times that we had when we dated. And I couldn't get a hold of him. And he said he was sleeping, or didn't hear the 'phone etc. Lies, all of them. And I remember. Go Asperger's!

4. Most people diagnosed with AS have a memory that is like a tape recorder for dialogue. Be careful what you say, it will be remembered and repeated to you. It will also hurt us forever and change us deeply.

So, he lies....He promised me that he would never lie again and I don't believe him.

I pinged him on his Blackberry and he received it....Then ignored me. He called me at 10pm. Once a liar, always a liar.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

White Wasn't White...

My Aunt can't smell. Not a thing... That means she also can't taste. One is impossibly linked to the other.... In the middle of winter a few years ago she slipped on a patch of ice and hit her head...She made a full recovery, except for one (well, two) things. Imagine that, you know that the fire is there, you can see it burning, but you can't smell the smoke.

That is what it's like to have Asperger's sometimes. You know what people are telling you, you see what they are doing, but you question everything. I feel like I have a certain amount of intuition, but it's more of an emotional sixth sense. I used to attribute it to the fact that I grew up in an extremely abusive household, I was walking on eggshells all the time because I never knew what kind of mood my mother or stepfather were going to be in, so I learned to decipher the air. I could feel the tension, or the ease. It could also happen the other way around, though.

There was a beautiful, clear day and I was sitting cross-legged on my bed. I may have been ten or eleven. I had a hand-me-down white eyelet bedspread that I just loved, and my bed was made just so. The world, MY world, was at peace for a second. Just then my stepfather flew into my room, smacked me open handed across the face and exited as quickly as he had entered. I didn't even have time to exhale before the blood started to run from my nose onto my gorgeous, white bedspread. There was never an explanation for the smack and I ended up having to dye the white to black. I never let me guard down again after that. Peace wasn't peace...White wasn't white.

My Own Aspie Symptoms....

How I knew that I had Asperger's....

I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.

Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".

Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....

Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.

Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.

I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.

Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)

Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.

Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....

I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.

Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.

I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;

A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!

Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....

I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.

Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....

A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.

I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.

High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?

Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.

This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.

Gas Dryer Heaven.....

I can't make small talk....Another Asperger's thing that I have always had that I thought was just a quirk of mine...I can't do that "Oh, hi, how are you....Blah, blah, blah...."

Again, there's a reason why I'm writing this....

Our new washer and dryer were supposed to be installed today....I say were, because the washer made it in, but the dryer went back to wherever dryers come from....Dryer heaven, I guess. Anyway, the installer (god forbid, he even gets THAT title) said that he couldn't put it in because of the pipe that was hooked up to our older than dirt dryer and that I needed a plumber to come out and put something on that would connect it properly to the new hose.

It's not my house....which I am politely reminded by words and actions every other day, so I call J at work.

I proceed to tell him, quickly and tersely that the gas dryer needs something (I don't speak Spanish) and that won't put the dryer in....Or turn the gas off. They DON'T do that....my husband was angry because I called him at work....He said that I yelled....I hung up on him twice, that much I do recall.

So, the ahem "Installers" leave....With said dryer and tell me to get a plumber and they will come back with my dryer.....I try and call J again, but there's no answer.

Anyone who knows Asperger's knows that we don't ask for help....It's just not in our DNA.

So, I set out to get a plumber....Last I heard, J didn't want to do this himself....Low and behold, one would be out in the afternoon to check it out and that would be that.

J WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR DEALING WITH THIS AND NOT BOTHERING HIM WITH IT!!!

So, J gets home and pulls in the driveway very late....he asks about the dryer and I tell him that they're coming back to install it on Saturday. He asks about the pipe, valve thing and I tell him that I had a plumber come out and fix it:) I was very excited and thought that he was going to be happy. I didn't realize that he was going to get angry with me for spending the money on it.

He ended up on the phone with Home Depot, mad at me for calling, then not calling...hiring a plumber....even though he said that he didn't want to do it himself....

Confused yet? I am:(

Huge, Flying Red Flags...

I watched a movie this weekend called "Living Proof" about a wonderful Doctor that is working to find a cancer treatment that isn't poison...

The reason that this is valid to this entry is because during the movie there is a character played by Bernadette Peters that finds a lump in her breast and when her husband asks about it she says (in a very straightforward way) "It's cancer". Her husband says that she can't possibly know that, and she says that she does, and it is cancer.

That's how I felt about Asperger's. I knew....There was just something in my soul that knew.

I didn't want it to be true, but the more I researched about it, the more I realized that my quirks had less to do with my upbringing and everything to do with my neurology. My family wanted it to be just the opposite. Part of them, like J , just wouldn't believe it until it was diagnosed. I showed him checklists, symptoms, articles, journals.....You name it.

My mother told me that I am an Indigo Child....turning in to a Crystal Adult. Wow, hold me back on that one....

So, let's go through this one together.....I am going to reference the MedScape nurses's site for the symptoms and I will digress back to the good ole teen years.....

"failure to develop appropriate relationships, lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment or interests, lack of emotional reciprocity"

Me: I read somewhere that 80% of AS marriages fail....Hmmmm, I've been married how many times.... Quote from J "I think you're so smart that you don't know how to love." Thanks, Honey, way to make a girl feel good:)
Oh and FYI-I don't do anything spontaneously, it scares me:)

"apparently inflexible adherence to nonfunctional routines or rituals"

Me: I was in the Army for over 4 years and this would have been a good thing, except I worked in a hospital. I couldn't do the ever changing schedule and being called in day and night. I was always being referred to as "concrete" and "inflexible" by my supervisors.

It's funny, there's so much more, but even as I read through it, in another link, I get caught up in it and it gets depressing and I have to just try and ignore it.

I remember that as a child I used to rock on my bed when I would cry. The reason that I stopped was because someone said something to me about "retards" doing that...I knew enough to know that that was negative, so I forced myself to not do it anymore.

Some of the behaviors that would have been huge, waving red flags went unnoticed. Maybe it wouldn't have helped at all...

OCD and OC Duh....

It's very difficult to help people understand how the mind of someone like me works if they don't own it. Let me give you a true life example of this...

My Significant Other....We can call him J works all day long. That's what he does. We have traditional roles. ie. He goes to work in the morning at 5:20 and gets home around 4:30 in the afternoon and I stay home and make sure that everything in the house is done.

Sort-of.

Asperger's makes me question everything 1000 times over. Mostly dinner and things like that, but it's worse with J because he's reaaaaaaly picky about a lot of things.

Anyway, I spend most of the day cleaning, running errands and stuff like that. Domestic goddess things. Don't let yourself think for a second that I'm sleeping in and going to the spa...I get up at about 6 am and I do work....I'll get to that later. I clean, a lot.

J is a packrat and a slob. I have told him this, so it's no secret, he's not dirty, he just leaves his things EVERYWHERE! And that's because he lived alone for 10 years. So, I go behind and pick it all up. No biggie...Until Friday.

Friday J walks in from work later than normal, sits down for a second, chats with me, goes into the kitchen to get a drink then proceeds to pick up the catch plate under the stove burner and washes it in the sink.

Now this doesn't seem like a big deal to the lay person....Until you are privy to the information that this is the man that can't manage to move his dirty underwear to the hamper. If there is no hamper present, he drops them on the floor next to his dresser 3 feet from the hamper area and claims that he "doesn't want me to trip on the pile."

NEWS FLASH: I walk an arch around the area regardless....because of my OCD. The hamper goes there, so in my mind, it's always there....

So, there he is....In the kitchen. In his work clothes. Washing the catch plate. The only NOT CLEAN thing in the house.

My mind is thinking: Ungrateful, POS, Thankless, Why Do I Bother?

We did discuss this....He claims that he can't help it.

OK, and the laundry is just going to hop into the hamper on it's own, huh?

The Beginning....

Most people would never know that I have Asperger's. Hell, up until May, I didn't know for sure. It was at the mere suggestion (possibly even a joking comment) that a friend made about a habit that I have of sleeping with a heavy blanket year round that got me looking into the possibility. As an aside, it was mentioned to me the blanket thing can be indicitive of Autism.

"It's a comfort thing," he said, "Actually, you do a few things that make me think of Autism..."

I walked away after that. No offense, but there was no way I was retarded....It's bad enough I have narcolepsy and restless leg syndrome! Plus, I have no tact (I'm a Sagittarius, what can I say). I can feasibly explain every quirk, personality issue and social problem that I have and nothing ever had to do with the "A" word. (I realize now it has everything to do with it.) Asshole may have come up, however, that's rarely used for women.

My formal diagnosis was two days ago on Thursday, July 9th, 2009. Did I need a doctor to tell me that I have Asperger's? No, not really. I just needed a confirmation that my research was correct. She didn't even do a checklist which kind of bummed me out. She did however ask why I was there if I didn't want treatment. My answer....

I am horrible at relationships. And the one I'm in is going downhill at neckbreaking speed, no matter what I do to try and help it's only getting worse.

But this is only the beginning....

I'm 34, newly diagnosed and haven't even started exploring this world yet.