You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.