Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

No Where Near There....

Since relationships are extremely difficult for me to maintain and understand, I wanted others like me to have somewhere to go to commisurate.  It's a tough world to live in when you expect everyone to be honest, say what they mean and understand your native language.

Here's the other problem that I personally have; I don't like to hurt people.

Not that there are people out there that go around emotionally damaging others fo the fun of it, but I really don't like to.  It's the time when I wish that others could read my mind.  It would make things so much easier.  

I have read so many times that people with AS are emotionless. That's not true.  I actually think that we may feel things deeper, but over the course of time, because of sustained abuse, we may learn to hide our emotions really well.  Or, only show the ones that we think are truly relevant.  I know that I guard my emotions very well.  I didn't cry when my ex and I got divorced, but I cried when he got our house foreclosed and I was packing my daughter's room that I tirelessly painted and decorated.  

On my last day in the Army, I just got in my car and drove away from Walter Reed Army Medical Center.  There were no tears, no smiling...I didn't call anyone.
The next time I was there was because one of my former patients was found slumped over his bathtub with a hypodermic needle in his arm.  I sobbed in the post Chapel that rainy day.  That was the first time I'd ever been in that Chapel and probably the last and I couldn't contain myself I hurt so badly for him and his parents.  And as I write this, I still do.

I think Aspies know too much pain.  We just learn to put it away, that's the choice we have to make.

I have this blog mainly to try and understand and to help others with AS understand why their personal relationships are so difficult.

Understanding the miscommunications can put some perspective on things, yes.  However, if your SO isn't willing to learn how to interpret your "language" than any conversation can become useless and frustrating.

How many of my one reader(s) have heard that they use "semantics"?  This one is a classic for me. 

My birthday is coming up and I don't know if I should just leave, or cyanide.  (Don't get crazy, the cyanide is a joke:)  I will be 35 and I am no where near where I wanted to be. 

Is anyone? 

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

The Bizarre Fountain of Useless Knowledge

The Eastern philosophers believe that everything affects your well being.  And that once your well being is affected you have essentially "hit the wall" as far as stress is concerned.  There are tiers of health and once your physical health has deteriorated you have eroded all of the other levels including spiritual and mental.

As I look around at our society, I can see proof of this every day.  In people's skin and hair.  They don't smile at one another and aren't genuinely happy.  I'm not happy either, that's how I know.   And it's probably harder for someone like me.  Don't think I hate saying that all the time, but it is...Wondering about whether or not people are lying to me, have ulterior motives.  No wonder we all just avoid the general population.

I don't know if regular people (NTs) don't care about reading people's signals, or if they just do it naturally, but for me, it's becoming so frustrating, I'd rather just live in a hole somewhere.

Especially in relationships.  It's exhausting.  Trying to guess what the other person is thinking or wants.  Who the hell knows.  I have read more books about relationships and grilled more people about relationships and look where it got me;

NOWHERE!!!!  But I give fabulous advice to everyone else.  I can be a great girl to date, but don't live with me, and definitely don't marry me!

NOW HEAR THIS>>>>
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!! 

Let me explain the issues here:

     1. I have no clue what you're thinking, men!  If you don't call, you don't care. I'm done.
     2.  I don't know when you're joking unless you laugh, or tell me that you're joking.  Trust me, it sucks more for me, than you.
     3.  Tact is not something that I have!  I open my mouth and am bound to say the wrong thing. Sorry.
     4.  A pretty face.  Yup.  Get the helmet boys...Behind the face is Forrest Gump.
     5.  I am easily offended because I take things literally. 
     6.  I may forgive what you say, but I remember it FOREVER!  Be careful opening your piehole.  Words are dangerous ammo...They can ruin you.
     7.  I am sensitive to touch.  If I'm tired my skin gets uncomfortable...I'm always cold and don't like to be naked for fun because of the air on my skin.
     8.  I know lots and lots about sex...so what!  It doesn't make me a freak any more than knowing about murder makes me a serial killer.  I am a bizarre fountain of useless knowledge....You name it, it's in there.
     9.  Noise is my enemy....
     10.  I do errands in a circle.
     11.  My quirks make me uncomfortable.


Up to now, I spent most of my time apologizing for my quirks and keeping my life in such logical order that it was taking all of my energy to remind myself that I was still human.  I still don't understand very much about this thing called "Asperger's".  Other than the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it.

Logic.  You can't live your whole life like that...The lesson for today boys and girls.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

I am NOT a Victim

Have you ever stopped, looked around you and wondered "What the hell happened?"  This is NOT where I intended to end up.  I think that when you're in a relationship and you only have control of your half that can happen a lot.  

I can't control the fact that he drinks almost every night and when he does he gets mean.  I can't control the fact that he is overwhelmingly attached to his past pain and has low self esteem.  I can't control the fact that he lies and then lies about lying.

However, I can control the fact that I am here and ready to be done with it.  That I should have known better.  That I set the boundaries before hand and he knew them. That I was VERY clear about my needs even before my diagnosis.

I refuse to play the victim here. 

As much as I hated Dr. Dickhead....He may have been right about the drinking...

Watching My Own Execution....

A movie came out over the summer and I saw the trailer with J while we were watching a video. It's called Adam. It's about a guy with Asperger's and his struggles with trying to fit in and the relationship that he's trying to begin.


I have to say, it was painful to watch the few minutes of the trailer. Like a trainwreck....Or an execution. I really didn't want to look, but I wanted to see what my own experiences and quirks look like. Now I can't find the movie ANYWHERE!!!!


I figured that since we saw the trailer on a DVD preview that logic would dictate that it was out on DVD, right? Nope.


I reeeeeaaaaallllly don't want to see this in the theater. Being that uncomfortable in my own basement leads me to believe that I will really be in pain in public.


So, I am off to find this film close by, and then see if I can subtley medicate beforehand and still be able to watch with comprehension.