The Outhouse In My Backyard

You've never been uncomfortable until you've had to squat and pee in your backyard in the freezing cold, in your slippers, in the middle of the night in December.  I know this because last night I had to. 

I could have gone to a hotel, J said.... But I'm sure that would have been added to the laundry list of faults that I have.  It's bad enough that THIS is my fault.  Not just mine, but my daughter's and mine.

Apparently, we use too much toilet paper.  And we wipe ourselves too much.  My daughter and I did have a conversation about this at one point, but unfortunately, standing over her everytime she goes to the bathroom is demeaning.  Plus, it's not just her.  I am half to blame here, because of course, J never wipes himself.  He goes to the bathroom and is miraculously and gloriously germ-free after. It is only us.

When I mentioned that I was sorry for causing the backup in the drain in the basement and that I would cover whatever cost was involved in fixing it, he said "Don't worry about it, it's my house, I'll take care of it".
Wrong answer.  I didn't say that it was HIS house when we were cleaning up dirty water from all over the floor in the basement for two days.  I was right in there with him. 

We can't use any water. No flushing, washing, running water etc.

And as I write this, I have to pee so bad, I can't stand it!

Kiss My Louis Vuitton Ass!!

My birthday came and went and I'm still here.  Except now, I'm 35.  Wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life.  The only reason that I am sitting here doing nothing is because I feel like the universe will tell me what to do when it's ready.  I'm sure that sounds completely asinine, but that's how it feels.

In the meantime, I have been evaluating certain things.  Like being where I am right now.  My one follower can't see where I am right now, so I will explain.

I am on the couch in someone else's living room.  It's my laptop, but not my couch.  My dog is on the floor next to me, but it isn't my floor.  I clean it, but it isn't mine.  I only have a few things here.  But I clean everything.  The walls are bare.  I have pictures, but I won't put them up, because I don't want retalliation. 

The last few days have been filled with thinking over years of bad decisions.  This was the last one I will make. 

I just wish that someone could learn SOMETHING from me.  If he lies, he will ALWAYS lie.  It won't ever change.  And it means that he doesn't give a crap about you.

I wonder if he has realized that I sent back the Louis Vuitton scarf that he got me for my birthday, yet? 

Loving Courtney on My Birthday....

     My birthday is next week...When I was growing up birthdays were a huge deal. An event.  No matter how poor we were, they were always made to be a big to do. My Mom would take my siblings and I out of school for the day, and give us a special day all to ourselves.  We had our favorite foods for dinner (steak, creamed spinach and mashed potatoes).  Cake and presents.... and a party on the weekend with our friends.

     As I got older I carried the tradition on through ALLLLL of the relationships that I had.  I felt that being born was important.  Obviously, everyone is here for a reason and we should celebrate it! Plus, I am the ultimate gift finder, I love to shop for other people.

      Well, as I got older I started to get my own birthday gifts and celebrate my own birth myself.  Which, in the beginning, makes you feel a little bit strange.  Some people don't understand birthdays and just tick them off as one year closer to that inevitable hole in the ground.  All I really wanted was to be with someone like me who valued that marking of time as much I do.  And cared enough to really find a gift that is something that I want, and or need.  I know this sounds selfish, but hear me out....

      I have always felt that if someone loved you, they would know you well enough to shop and find you the gift that you would love AND WANT!!!!  I am very picky.  I don't like things that take up space and are a waste of money.  J found this out on Mother's Day when I got another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I looked straight at it and said "Oh, I thought you would have gotten me something Louis Vuitton".   
     Yes, it was callous.  I opened my big, FAT, ASPERGER mouth and that fell out.  But honestly, I didn't need another Vermont Teddy Bear.  I don't like stuffed animals. I know that sometimes I shouldn't talk, at all.

     So, my birthday is next next week and I've been asked what I want.  Here was my answer;  For J to stop drinking.  I received no answer to that. 
     I am having a very difficult time this year with even buying myself anything because of the state of the world.  I would like to have the New Courtney MM in Black for Christmas, but won't buy it myself because I'm poor.  J is not.  That's sad.  I also, don't want it to be part of a fight later.  As in "Well, if you didn't have that insane collection of bags upstairs, we'd have a new house".

     I don't want to own anything that isn't going to be able to be sold later if I need to .  God, that sounds horrible.  But honestly, he won't buy a new house because he's afraid of losing it to me (or half of it).  I have nothing of value except my bags.  I asked him what my contribution to the house would be and he said that I would furnish it!!!!!   Wait, let me get this straight;  You want me to furnish YOUR house, and then if we don't stay together I have to take all of it where??  My answer to that is, your house, you're buying the furnishings.  Our house, I will buy them.  This was an all or nothing deal for me.  I didn't go into it thinking that I was going to lose or gain anything.  That's LIFE.

Who gets married under those suppositions?  So, I will just wait here surrounded by my neurotic dog, super-sized kid and Louis Vuittons and turn 35.

No Where Near There....

Since relationships are extremely difficult for me to maintain and understand, I wanted others like me to have somewhere to go to commisurate.  It's a tough world to live in when you expect everyone to be honest, say what they mean and understand your native language.

Here's the other problem that I personally have; I don't like to hurt people.

Not that there are people out there that go around emotionally damaging others fo the fun of it, but I really don't like to.  It's the time when I wish that others could read my mind.  It would make things so much easier.  

I have read so many times that people with AS are emotionless. That's not true.  I actually think that we may feel things deeper, but over the course of time, because of sustained abuse, we may learn to hide our emotions really well.  Or, only show the ones that we think are truly relevant.  I know that I guard my emotions very well.  I didn't cry when my ex and I got divorced, but I cried when he got our house foreclosed and I was packing my daughter's room that I tirelessly painted and decorated.  

On my last day in the Army, I just got in my car and drove away from Walter Reed Army Medical Center.  There were no tears, no smiling...I didn't call anyone.
The next time I was there was because one of my former patients was found slumped over his bathtub with a hypodermic needle in his arm.  I sobbed in the post Chapel that rainy day.  That was the first time I'd ever been in that Chapel and probably the last and I couldn't contain myself I hurt so badly for him and his parents.  And as I write this, I still do.

I think Aspies know too much pain.  We just learn to put it away, that's the choice we have to make.

I have this blog mainly to try and understand and to help others with AS understand why their personal relationships are so difficult.

Understanding the miscommunications can put some perspective on things, yes.  However, if your SO isn't willing to learn how to interpret your "language" than any conversation can become useless and frustrating.

How many of my one reader(s) have heard that they use "semantics"?  This one is a classic for me. 

My birthday is coming up and I don't know if I should just leave, or cyanide.  (Don't get crazy, the cyanide is a joke:)  I will be 35 and I am no where near where I wanted to be. 

Is anyone? 

You Know They Have 12-Step Programs For That, Right????

So, as usual, when something is on my mind and hitting me in the back of the head like a pick ax, I have to look into it...

  Something was telling me that J isn't just a big, fat A-hole.  There has to be more to it than that.  No one can maintain that sort of jerky consistency for that long.  It's been four years and he is still the same lying bastard.  In fact, I would bet money on the fact that it's gotten worse.  Oh wait, it has, and now somehow...it's all become MY fault!

  Ever heard of passive-aggressive personality disorder?  Yup.  If not, allow me to introduce you to what I live with every day (I'm going to put my own side notes in here):

This comes from a psychiatrist...I have to find the link again and give the guy his due credit...


FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you. When we fight, he tells me to get out, even though I don't actually say anything back.  I used to fight back at him, but I don't even bother anymore.
   He doesn't want me to get a job, have friends etc.  Asperger's already isolates me...We don't share income, so the money is all his. See where this is going?





*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance. The other night he fought with me about Jenna Elfman (the Actress) being attractive!!!  I am  not insecure at all, but I could see a girl getting really wrapped around the axle about this!  I thought the whole discussion was ridiculous.






*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power. This one, I'm not sure about...Although, he never has friends over anymore...






*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way. Wow, this could be a novel. Even if I do what I want, I get verbally assaulted later about it.  I am afraid to breathe anymore.  Yet, somehow, it's my fault. Amazing how that works.





*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone. If it never gets done, it can never be a failure.  The house isn't done, so he can't by the new one that he's been talking about for 20 years.






*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades. Yup.  I "berate" him constantly.  That's all I hear... He doesn't want to come home anymore. Apparently, I call him a "piece of sh*t" but when I tell him that that's not possible because I never use that phrase he says, "Well, you think it."  No, really, if I thought it, I'd say it, trust me!






*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.  I've never heard someone lie so much.  About stupid crap.  Come on, at least don't do it in front of me.  Don't you know that people with AS generally remember coversations VERBATIM!?






*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him. This one only applies in his personal life...Because his job as monetary security is so important, he wouldn't screw that up.  He can find another me....there's another gullible girl out there somewhere....waiting...






*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating and inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation. If you have AS this would run you into the ground after a while.  Have you ever heard someone pee and hairspray their hair at the same time?  That's right.  He said 2 or 3 minutes and he'd be ready to go.  I wonder if there's a certain sadistic enjoyment to making me wait?  I knew he was urinating, but mid-stream I heard the shhh, shhh, shhh of the hairspray.  This man needs to own stock in Aussie products!






*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.Again, a nightmare for an Aspie.  Don't try to ask for clarification either, it won't happen.  In my case, a fight will ensue.




*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws. I have found that this is just a baby in a grown man's body.  Expect massive disappointment.  He told me that he didn't give me anything on our first Valentine's Day because he "didn't know where we stood."  He had already told me that he loved me at that point... 





A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.

This is the one that will have you walking on eggshells because one day everything is right and the next day, it's all wrong.  You never know day to day.  They also drink.  The other day J was looking for a beer and was pissed because there was only one.  When I asked why it was so important his answer was "because it helps my cough".  You know they make medicine for that right?    And 12-step programs for the other problem....

There's a moral here gang...Listen to your friends if they are NT.  I have no instinct, so I have to learn the hard way.  I suffer through these relationships like my mother did.  I am gradually ticking off all of the personality disorders in the DSM-IV.  It's not good for my daughter either.

The Bizarre Fountain of Useless Knowledge

The Eastern philosophers believe that everything affects your well being.  And that once your well being is affected you have essentially "hit the wall" as far as stress is concerned.  There are tiers of health and once your physical health has deteriorated you have eroded all of the other levels including spiritual and mental.

As I look around at our society, I can see proof of this every day.  In people's skin and hair.  They don't smile at one another and aren't genuinely happy.  I'm not happy either, that's how I know.   And it's probably harder for someone like me.  Don't think I hate saying that all the time, but it is...Wondering about whether or not people are lying to me, have ulterior motives.  No wonder we all just avoid the general population.

I don't know if regular people (NTs) don't care about reading people's signals, or if they just do it naturally, but for me, it's becoming so frustrating, I'd rather just live in a hole somewhere.

Especially in relationships.  It's exhausting.  Trying to guess what the other person is thinking or wants.  Who the hell knows.  I have read more books about relationships and grilled more people about relationships and look where it got me;

NOWHERE!!!!  But I give fabulous advice to everyone else.  I can be a great girl to date, but don't live with me, and definitely don't marry me!

NOW HEAR THIS>>>>
I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN!!!!! 

Let me explain the issues here:

     1. I have no clue what you're thinking, men!  If you don't call, you don't care. I'm done.
     2.  I don't know when you're joking unless you laugh, or tell me that you're joking.  Trust me, it sucks more for me, than you.
     3.  Tact is not something that I have!  I open my mouth and am bound to say the wrong thing. Sorry.
     4.  A pretty face.  Yup.  Get the helmet boys...Behind the face is Forrest Gump.
     5.  I am easily offended because I take things literally. 
     6.  I may forgive what you say, but I remember it FOREVER!  Be careful opening your piehole.  Words are dangerous ammo...They can ruin you.
     7.  I am sensitive to touch.  If I'm tired my skin gets uncomfortable...I'm always cold and don't like to be naked for fun because of the air on my skin.
     8.  I know lots and lots about sex...so what!  It doesn't make me a freak any more than knowing about murder makes me a serial killer.  I am a bizarre fountain of useless knowledge....You name it, it's in there.
     9.  Noise is my enemy....
     10.  I do errands in a circle.
     11.  My quirks make me uncomfortable.


Up to now, I spent most of my time apologizing for my quirks and keeping my life in such logical order that it was taking all of my energy to remind myself that I was still human.  I still don't understand very much about this thing called "Asperger's".  Other than the fact that there's nothing that I can do about it.

Logic.  You can't live your whole life like that...The lesson for today boys and girls.

The Longest & Worst Movie Ever!!!

My mind is made up that I'm going to this meeting on the 24th.  Yes, it is the meeting of people that don't meet.  A meeting for people with Asperger's.  How strange.

J was initially going to go with me, however, since he calls it "Assburger's" and never wanted to go in the first place, I will go alone.  I think that is the way it should be.  I still feel like this is all surreal anyway.  Fake.  Like watching a movie that has gone on too long.

My favorite was "Get out...As far as I see it, it's only a numbers thing now anyway".

Not really sure what that means.  Does he think that he's going to pay me to go?  Where am I going to go?  Really????  This isn't my home. It entertains me that he thinks that this is about money. 

Let's see...

He discouraged me from getting a job..."because of my health"
He won't let me pay any of the house bills...but I can't turn a light on...
I can put up pictures, but get a little beer in him and he hates it all.
Yes, I told him I was difficult..."but not THIS difficult".
He knew I had a daughter...But somehow forgot that she existed...and would be living with me when I retired???

      Insert bullhorn here>>>>  I will NEVER leave my child....!!!  

I'm fairly sure, positive even that you knew before we decided on this whole thing, that I would be going for full custody.  Wait, the Chaplain asked you about that.  Remember???  Or were you sober and don't remember....

Sorry, let me put on my happy face:)  Yes, I will smile and clean up and turn all the lights off and make sure that I have on 4 layers of clothing because God FORBID I turn the heat on. EVEN THOUGH I WEIGH 102 POUNDS!!!!!

Do I sound angry? 

If I impart anything to my one follower....

People DON'T change.  Period.  He drank and lied before...He wasn't this mean, but we also didn't live together.

I am NOT a Victim

Have you ever stopped, looked around you and wondered "What the hell happened?"  This is NOT where I intended to end up.  I think that when you're in a relationship and you only have control of your half that can happen a lot.  

I can't control the fact that he drinks almost every night and when he does he gets mean.  I can't control the fact that he is overwhelmingly attached to his past pain and has low self esteem.  I can't control the fact that he lies and then lies about lying.

However, I can control the fact that I am here and ready to be done with it.  That I should have known better.  That I set the boundaries before hand and he knew them. That I was VERY clear about my needs even before my diagnosis.

I refuse to play the victim here. 

As much as I hated Dr. Dickhead....He may have been right about the drinking...

Watching My Own Execution....

A movie came out over the summer and I saw the trailer with J while we were watching a video. It's called Adam. It's about a guy with Asperger's and his struggles with trying to fit in and the relationship that he's trying to begin.


I have to say, it was painful to watch the few minutes of the trailer. Like a trainwreck....Or an execution. I really didn't want to look, but I wanted to see what my own experiences and quirks look like. Now I can't find the movie ANYWHERE!!!!


I figured that since we saw the trailer on a DVD preview that logic would dictate that it was out on DVD, right? Nope.


I reeeeeaaaaallllly don't want to see this in the theater. Being that uncomfortable in my own basement leads me to believe that I will really be in pain in public.


So, I am off to find this film close by, and then see if I can subtley medicate beforehand and still be able to watch with comprehension.

Missing My Connections....

I figure by now everyone has read Missed Connections on craigslist. If you've never heard of it, you live under a rock somewhere and you need to come join the rest of humanity. MC is where you can anonymously post a blurb about someone that you've seen that caught your eye somewhere along the way.

Or maybe you're lovelorn and just need to let it out...MC is a good place to post a blubbering snippet about the person that you lost 20 years ago.

I'll admit it...I look. Wondering if anyone ever notices me. Although, I guess I would have to leave the house for that to happen.

But, just imagine that there's a place in time where your eyes meet the eyes of that perfect someone. And you want to say something, but you don't...Then there's Craigslist.

At times it makes me wistful, but it reminds me that there are still romantic men in the world. Men that would see a woman and just a glance would be enough for them to put it all out there on the internet.

It's a beautiful thing.

My Leaving Self...and the Lobster

My daughter has had a fever for 6 days....STRAIGHT! Today was the first time that I have been out of the house other than a very short run last night. Am I being tested by the Powers That Be? Probably not...Do I want to slit my own wrists....Yup...

A couple of things about this that strike me as seriously funny in a sickly ironic way...

***When my daughter had a sinus infection and I was suing my ex for custody he was asking for hourly updates on how she was doing...Despite the fact that he gets NO cell reception at home. I barely heard from him over this holiday weekend. It took hours for him to call me back about what to do about her possibly missing the first day of school...weird, huh?

***My leaving self has emerged in a big way. I have had just about enough of being a doormat. Oddly, I get an out of the blue message from someone that I haven't heard from in a long time. This is when I have to remind myself that there is a reason that things end.

***J tells me, as he so often likes to detail these things out, that we haven't had sex in 8 days. So last night I offer something up...not the full monty, but something is better than nothing... Anyway, he says that he's tired. I can't compete. Tired??? You don't have to do ANYTHING! Just lay there and breathe for god's sake.

Anyway....I found the coolest thing on Youtube....

I am a huge Friends fan....

Somewhere, there's My Lobster....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPH_W7e5f8M

Communicating With The Dark Side....

I know that most of the time it seems that I just sit around and bitch about things in my relationship, but really this blog began as a way to help others with Asperger's to relate in their own partnerships. I have come to find out that relating to NT's can be like trying to talk under water. Impossible and deadly.

The final straw was when I was told that I was supported in getting custody of my daughter, but that he really doesn't want kids. Well, let me clue you in on something, Buddy...It's a package deal here. I thought that was clear?

I am giving up. My blog will now be about my effort to move on from this point...

And to figure out how to communicate with the dark side....NT's....

I'm a Bitch, Now Get Over It!

I haven't been around in a while and I can't give an adequate reason why...Maybe because it takes a tremendous amount of energy to try and not be myself. J...and I will have these knock down, drag out verbal fights that blow my mind and I just can't get my head around them.

Last night was so bizarre that I am on the fence on how to handle it. Or whether, or not to even bother. But then I think that that may be the answer he wants. I would be the first one to leave because he may not want his family to think he failed. The main points last night were:

I think he's a piece of shit...(I have NEVER said, written or implied this in any way). Yet, he thinks that I have because if I am not always saying positive things then it's all negative.

I put words in his mouth and tell him what to think. NewsFlash! I don't think he's happy....I told him this. If that's putting words in his mouth and telling him what he thinks....Guilty as charged!

I could have mental illness "you know, most people who are crazy think they're not". Yet, I would have no idea because working in in-patient psych for 3 and a half years taught me nothing because I don't have a Master's in psychiatry.

I really need to stop falling back on my Asperger's as an excuse for everything. How would he even know...he doesn't know a damn thing about it.

He needs more support at home....Wow! I loved this one. I want to know which fuck buddy fed him this one! More support.....Hmmmm, let's see, I;

1. Do your laundry...(but you can do that yourself)
2. Drop off and pick up your dry cleaning (see above parentheses)
3. Clean the house (It was clean before....Uh, really it wasn't)
4. Buy your suits
5. Shirts
6. Pick out your clothes (Yup, you can do this too...go for it....)


Consider the fact that you do NOTHING for me! I buy everything for myself....Who supports me, huh? Anyone patting me on the back? Nope! So, if J actually read my Blog, in some sort of parallel universe....My answer would be....

Who needs to do the work here? You are the NT....Your brain is the proper one.

And yes, I am a bitch in certain situations....THAT is not a blanket statement. Stop beating me up with it!

No Where Near Together....

This blog began as a way for me to hopefully help others like me (and their partners) deal with some of the struggles that can go along with the day to day stresses of having Asperger's and having to maintain any long term relationship. As time has gone on in my relationship, it has just gotten more bizarre.

Who knows why I can't keep things going in a relationship...If I knew, would I be writing this blog? I also wouldn't feel like a failure. Here's what I was told:

I will always be there for you.
I know that you have issues, that's ok. I can handle it.
"You know what I love about Jenn, she can just deal with things and smile and keep going sometimes...I've learned that from her. She's a better person than I am."
I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.
You make me a better man.

All I want is someone that wants a life together...we may live in the same house, but were not anywhere near together.

Down With Hallmark....Love Is Not Enough!!

It's probably better that I have little to no people reading this blog...Because this entry is going to be a doozy....

Ok, I'm going to say it.....

I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE!

I think it's a huge crock made up by the movie industry and Hallmark. Come on, if you're about to sign out, you can't honestly think that you haven't heard this before? I am NOT the first person that has ever said this. The thing that people call "love" is a chemical process that slowly disintegrates over time and whatever you're left with is the rest of the story (a lasting relationship, or a break-up).

It's called compatibility, people. Why haven't we grasped that yet? E-harmony has....that's why they give you a million and 1 questions. They know that in the end, you have to LIKE the person and their values.

If your relationship becomes really hard to maintain and you ask someone, "Why are you with me?" and their answer is "Because I love you"....

RUN!

Love is not real.

Dirty socks are real. Your stuff, their stuff.....That's real. These things need to be worked out before you decide that you are in it for the long haul. Living together is great....Write down your expectations. Be honest.

Be worse than honest. Be Brutal...Do you fart in the middle of the night? Tell the person you care about that you could send a neighborhood underground in fear of their lives.....

Are you a slob? Make your place ten times worse and invite your significant other over to see the reaction....

Are you up with the sun....Do they sleep in?....this may not be huge now....You LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE the person right now. Just wait. When your honey is complaining that you are being too loud at 10am and half of your day is shot to hell.....It will happen when they get comfy enough to start giving you a hard time....

My Grandmother always said to marry your best friend. I would have, except he was a 6 foot 5 inch gay man and not terribly interested in me that way. It makes sense though, doesn't it? Your best friend embodies all of the qualities that you have. You don't choose friends that are polar opposites.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH!!!! You need understanding, truth, caring and connection. Honesty about who you are. Understanding about what happens when two lives merge. Caring enough about each other to handle the speedbumps.

And the true connection that will keep you together through the tough times. Love is a myth. A card that I threw in the trash a long time ago.

By the way, I am not a cynic, I am a realist.

Karma's a Bitch, Just Wait and See....

My ex-husband has decided to try again to make my life miserable AGAIN...He told me that he received a letter from the IRS stating that they would like him for an interview about me and some "unreported" income I supposedly had last year.

Unreported....I would have liked any extra income! PERIOD!!!! Let's see...How obvious can you be really....He said that it was an anonymous tip, right....right.....

Let's be logical here:

1. We go to court next week because he wasn't paying child support for our daughter....

2. When he decided he wasn't going to accept his responsibility, I raised the amount that I wanted him to pay in the motion....

3. In an e-mail that he sent me he brought up the fact that I DON'T need the support anyway because we have enough money......

4. He told me that he "researched" what could happen if the IRS decides that I do have unreported income and owe them money....(I'm trying to figure out money from what?) Why would anyone research that.....Unless they had an ulterior motive....Huh?

5. He's always mentioning the expensive "vacations" that I'm going on and bags that I have etc. (Well, considering the amount of money that he makes, if he would save a little, he could do the same thing.)

So, here's what I have.....A VW Beetle, a neurotic dog that sheds under stress, a few Louis Vuitton bags that my husband gave me the money for after much pleading....and a deadbeat ex-husband that just won't pay child support.

Funny, I wouldn't think the IRS would be all that interested in that....I filed my meager earnings from the Army last year....

My question is; Why would they be interviewing my ex?

Karma's a bitch, just watch out....

Once A Liar, Always A Liar....

To say that I am from one place would be like saying that Baskin Robbins has only ONE flavor...It would be a gross misrepresentation of the product. I am from all over and have lived in quite a few places. Right now I call Northern Virginia the place that I hang my hat. However, my home(s) will always be Vermont and Upstate New York.

I need to clarify the "Upstate" part of that. It's not Albany, or Syracuse....It's UP-state. Close to Canada-A. Plattsburgh, Keeseville area....That far UPSTATE. Albany is the halfway point for me:)

Anyway, I headed home for a visit today and left J at home to do his own thing...If you have Asperger's, or have a spouse with it, trust issues can be a bitch! Things with J and I didn't start off well, so it's always going to be rocky in that department. As far as Asperger's is concerned this would go in the File called: Relationships 101 and Trust Issues and How to Deal With Them

1. If you have lied to your partner in the past, they will always think you are lying. The past defines the future because in their world things never change. Ask them if their likes have changed very much?

2. If they don't trust you and you would like to regain their trust, do what you say you are going to do! DUH! This should be a no brainer people! We are very concrete. If you say that you are going to call your Significant Other, CALL YOUR SO! If you just can't get to the 'phone then have a good reason.

I got to Keeseville in good time and I thought that J would have been curious to see that I was there safely...After all, he had said how worried he was about the weather and that he was going to miss me so much Blah, Blah, blah....

3. AS Partners watch actions very carefully because we can't truly "read" people as well as NT's can. If your actions don't match your words it will usually send up some red flags.

So, I called him. He was getting dinner. And had had a nap...He couldn't really hear me because the reception on my end was bad so could he take his dinner back to the house and call me back....

And he didn't. Now, my brain has a tendency to replay the lovely times that we had when we dated. And I couldn't get a hold of him. And he said he was sleeping, or didn't hear the 'phone etc. Lies, all of them. And I remember. Go Asperger's!

4. Most people diagnosed with AS have a memory that is like a tape recorder for dialogue. Be careful what you say, it will be remembered and repeated to you. It will also hurt us forever and change us deeply.

So, he lies....He promised me that he would never lie again and I don't believe him.

I pinged him on his Blackberry and he received it....Then ignored me. He called me at 10pm. Once a liar, always a liar.

Moldy Oldies....The Vacation:0

We've been away at the beach for a week....which was an interesting "vacation"....You may know someone with Asperger's if your vacation looks like mine;

You always go to the same place....Or at least a similar place.
The place you stay must be an atmosphere that is as clean, or cleaner than your home.
The same routine must be able to be maintained, to a point.

J was lovely enough to book a bungalow at Virginia Beach consciously keeping in mind that I have a few quirks....I don't like crowds, noise etc. and I like to have my daughter with me. This bungalow could house the three of us and the the dog....Oh happy day....

These bungalows are right on a quiet, private beach where there is no boardwalk, no crowds and we were going to be there during the week...Perfect for retarded ole me! So, we get to VA beach a bit early and I call to see if we can check in a bit early....YAY, one's ready!! As we're standing at the desk, the lady keeps saying that the bungalows are "old"...

"Old, what do you mean by old?" I reply.

"Well, they're World War 2 era, so the floors are a little creaky", she says.

That's it. I tell her that that's ok. We have creaky floors, no biggie. Then she mentions the early departure fee.

Over and over and over.....This should have been a HUGE clue.....EARLY Departure fee.....why would we want to depart early.....Maybe because

IT SUCKS!!!!

I'll admit it; I'm a bit picky, if I'm paying for a hotel, bungalow, whatever I like it to be CLEAN! Mold free....have a television larger than my laptop screen......


J says I complain too much....We weren't given anything here, he paid for this mold infested, cracker-box. I may have kept my mouth shut if they would have said "Oh, no it's on us!"

There weren't even light blocking curtains....not that I care....I'm up at the crack of dawn anyway....But I know that he likes to sleep.

So, am I picky....Yes, when I'm paying for it....I expect it to be clean, neat and in good working order. This was none of those things. I should be comfortable, at least as comfortable as I am in my own home. Maybe more so. For someone with AS, this is critical, and I was NOT comfy.

Did I complain? You bet. Did it get us anywhere....NOPE.

Trying to change a person with AS or Autism and their habits is a losing battle. Unless, it's a habit that is damaging them you can only deal with it and I'll give an example;

A long time ago I had a friend that was married to a man with severe OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). The disorder didn't disrupt their daily life in, or outside, the home, but he had quirks that took up time that they could spend together. He was highly and almost irrationally organized. Certain colored hangers for certain clothes, watches and sunglasses a certain way, etc. Initially, my friend didn't understand this need for order and it took up so much time that she just got frustrated. She felt that by encouraging it, it would make it worse. The opposite was true...By stressing him out he began organizing other things to de-stress. So, in an effort to save time one day, she hung his clothes on the hangers the way that he liked and put them in the closet the way that he hung them up. Pants going a certain way, shirts on the left. When he got home from work and realized the effort and love that she had put into the clothes in the closet he was very appreciative and felt very cared for and accepted. He was overcome enough to tell me about it for goodness sake:)

It's easy to criticize people's quirks, it's harder to accept them and harder still to dig into what creates and keeps them anchored there. The fastest way to find change is through acceptance and love.

White Wasn't White...

My Aunt can't smell. Not a thing... That means she also can't taste. One is impossibly linked to the other.... In the middle of winter a few years ago she slipped on a patch of ice and hit her head...She made a full recovery, except for one (well, two) things. Imagine that, you know that the fire is there, you can see it burning, but you can't smell the smoke.

That is what it's like to have Asperger's sometimes. You know what people are telling you, you see what they are doing, but you question everything. I feel like I have a certain amount of intuition, but it's more of an emotional sixth sense. I used to attribute it to the fact that I grew up in an extremely abusive household, I was walking on eggshells all the time because I never knew what kind of mood my mother or stepfather were going to be in, so I learned to decipher the air. I could feel the tension, or the ease. It could also happen the other way around, though.

There was a beautiful, clear day and I was sitting cross-legged on my bed. I may have been ten or eleven. I had a hand-me-down white eyelet bedspread that I just loved, and my bed was made just so. The world, MY world, was at peace for a second. Just then my stepfather flew into my room, smacked me open handed across the face and exited as quickly as he had entered. I didn't even have time to exhale before the blood started to run from my nose onto my gorgeous, white bedspread. There was never an explanation for the smack and I ended up having to dye the white to black. I never let me guard down again after that. Peace wasn't peace...White wasn't white.

My Own Aspie Symptoms....

How I knew that I had Asperger's....

I am very concrete...I will follow directions to the letter, even if it means stepping outside of the box to do it.

Hard headed is used to describe me a lot. I generally don't deviate....Prior to my diagnosis, I used to joke that I was like an old person "very set in my ways and I like it that way".

Getting dressed was never my strong point....I was either over dressed or dressed funny. I always looked to other people to figure out how I was supposed to look....

Ditto the above on how to act and relate. This has probably been the most difficult thing for me up to now. Until learning about Asperger's I always felt like a fraud because I never felt like I had my own personality. It was as if I would "borrow" pieces of people's personalities that I liked and integrate them into my own paradigm. I know that sounds weird and creepy even to me, but when your world runs on logic and you can't understand why people don't accept you, you try to be what other's are....that would explain why there are psychopathic traits early on....Except as AS people grow, hopefully they find themselves.

Moving air bothers me....Doesn't it bother you? You mean that makes me odd? I don't like the wind, or fans or people blowing air on me. And I am ALWAYS cold. J will tell you that I wear a sweater on the beach.

I suck at long-term relationships....Oh, I'm great at the beginning....It's the rest that's bad. The initial part, before the person knows that I am a mess is great. They want to know about me, so being myself is ok...Then the relationship progresses (usually because they want it to) and they realize what goes along with me.

Paranoia, mistrust, questioning, anxiousness. It's all fun and games until you're really involved with and AS girl:)

Home is where the heart is...and the feet and everything else.....I prefer NOT to leave home unless ultimately necessary. I don't arbitrarily go out. Not for any reason.

Mass Chaos is just that....Malls on the weekend, big cities, heavy traffic and lack of order in wide open spaces make my head spin. I used to think that this was because of the energy level of all the people in one place....Now I know that it's the AS....

I've always gone in circles.....I don't backtrack. If I run down one side of the street, I return down the other. If I go out to do errands I have to do a circle and not return the same way, if I can help it.

Songs play repeatedly in my head....Not like it's stuck, but full out, with the music and background...Yes, this is one of the many parts of the spectrum. It's one of the coping mechanisms. It's like a shuffling Ipod.

I am a minimalist....I have no problem with having minimal things around me....But the few things that make me comfortable HAVE to be there. I don't understand extemporaneous things that people have....Knick knacks or whatever. I don't understand things that aren't functional....Decorative is ok, as long as it has some value or meaning....My Husband and I go through this argument all the time;

A beer bottle is not a decoration unless it's in the MANCAVE!!!

Tact evades me completely....If you know me, this explains a lot....I always say that it's not that I'm tactless, I just don't see the need for small talk and sugar coating. What's the point, really? Unfortunately, there are people in this world who are overly sensitive to my logical, non-sensitive part....I do try to know when to censor what I say....

I loathe lying, cheating, stealing and any other kind of dishonesty.....I will be the first to call someone out on it too. I think there are certain exceptions. As my mother would say, "What was the intent behind the action?" The intent makes a huge difference....I would rather have someone hurt me with honesty, than placate me a lie, which hurts me more in the end. Plus, I always find out in the end for some reason.

Despite the above, I still believe people are inherently good....Why, I don't know....I should give up on this, because I see the worst of people every day....Especially where I live.....

A Bull In A China Shop....I am clumsy....really clumsy....I will bump into walls if they're 6 inches from me. It's crazy.

I have sleep issues....Go Narcolepsy and Restless Leg Syndrome....I thought everyone fell asleep and had dreams immediately....I swear.

High IQ, lots of schooling blah blah blah.....Yup, I have that whole smart thing going on. But I never finished college. I'd get bored. I just wanted someone to tell me what I was supposed to be?

Depression....Had it, still do occasionally....there's a very high suicide rate in the AS world. It's because of our isolation and sometimes rejection. If it wasn't for a neighbor when I was 14 (I thank God everyday for Chris Sanborn) I wouldn't be here today.

This is the unseen disability that no one understands and few take the time to really get to know. It ruins relationships and families.

Gas Dryer Heaven.....

I can't make small talk....Another Asperger's thing that I have always had that I thought was just a quirk of mine...I can't do that "Oh, hi, how are you....Blah, blah, blah...."

Again, there's a reason why I'm writing this....

Our new washer and dryer were supposed to be installed today....I say were, because the washer made it in, but the dryer went back to wherever dryers come from....Dryer heaven, I guess. Anyway, the installer (god forbid, he even gets THAT title) said that he couldn't put it in because of the pipe that was hooked up to our older than dirt dryer and that I needed a plumber to come out and put something on that would connect it properly to the new hose.

It's not my house....which I am politely reminded by words and actions every other day, so I call J at work.

I proceed to tell him, quickly and tersely that the gas dryer needs something (I don't speak Spanish) and that won't put the dryer in....Or turn the gas off. They DON'T do that....my husband was angry because I called him at work....He said that I yelled....I hung up on him twice, that much I do recall.

So, the ahem "Installers" leave....With said dryer and tell me to get a plumber and they will come back with my dryer.....I try and call J again, but there's no answer.

Anyone who knows Asperger's knows that we don't ask for help....It's just not in our DNA.

So, I set out to get a plumber....Last I heard, J didn't want to do this himself....Low and behold, one would be out in the afternoon to check it out and that would be that.

J WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME FOR DEALING WITH THIS AND NOT BOTHERING HIM WITH IT!!!

So, J gets home and pulls in the driveway very late....he asks about the dryer and I tell him that they're coming back to install it on Saturday. He asks about the pipe, valve thing and I tell him that I had a plumber come out and fix it:) I was very excited and thought that he was going to be happy. I didn't realize that he was going to get angry with me for spending the money on it.

He ended up on the phone with Home Depot, mad at me for calling, then not calling...hiring a plumber....even though he said that he didn't want to do it himself....

Confused yet? I am:(

Huge, Flying Red Flags...

I watched a movie this weekend called "Living Proof" about a wonderful Doctor that is working to find a cancer treatment that isn't poison...

The reason that this is valid to this entry is because during the movie there is a character played by Bernadette Peters that finds a lump in her breast and when her husband asks about it she says (in a very straightforward way) "It's cancer". Her husband says that she can't possibly know that, and she says that she does, and it is cancer.

That's how I felt about Asperger's. I knew....There was just something in my soul that knew.

I didn't want it to be true, but the more I researched about it, the more I realized that my quirks had less to do with my upbringing and everything to do with my neurology. My family wanted it to be just the opposite. Part of them, like J , just wouldn't believe it until it was diagnosed. I showed him checklists, symptoms, articles, journals.....You name it.

My mother told me that I am an Indigo Child....turning in to a Crystal Adult. Wow, hold me back on that one....

So, let's go through this one together.....I am going to reference the MedScape nurses's site for the symptoms and I will digress back to the good ole teen years.....

"failure to develop appropriate relationships, lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment or interests, lack of emotional reciprocity"

Me: I read somewhere that 80% of AS marriages fail....Hmmmm, I've been married how many times.... Quote from J "I think you're so smart that you don't know how to love." Thanks, Honey, way to make a girl feel good:)
Oh and FYI-I don't do anything spontaneously, it scares me:)

"apparently inflexible adherence to nonfunctional routines or rituals"

Me: I was in the Army for over 4 years and this would have been a good thing, except I worked in a hospital. I couldn't do the ever changing schedule and being called in day and night. I was always being referred to as "concrete" and "inflexible" by my supervisors.

It's funny, there's so much more, but even as I read through it, in another link, I get caught up in it and it gets depressing and I have to just try and ignore it.

I remember that as a child I used to rock on my bed when I would cry. The reason that I stopped was because someone said something to me about "retards" doing that...I knew enough to know that that was negative, so I forced myself to not do it anymore.

Some of the behaviors that would have been huge, waving red flags went unnoticed. Maybe it wouldn't have helped at all...

OCD and OC Duh....

It's very difficult to help people understand how the mind of someone like me works if they don't own it. Let me give you a true life example of this...

My Significant Other....We can call him J works all day long. That's what he does. We have traditional roles. ie. He goes to work in the morning at 5:20 and gets home around 4:30 in the afternoon and I stay home and make sure that everything in the house is done.

Sort-of.

Asperger's makes me question everything 1000 times over. Mostly dinner and things like that, but it's worse with J because he's reaaaaaaly picky about a lot of things.

Anyway, I spend most of the day cleaning, running errands and stuff like that. Domestic goddess things. Don't let yourself think for a second that I'm sleeping in and going to the spa...I get up at about 6 am and I do work....I'll get to that later. I clean, a lot.

J is a packrat and a slob. I have told him this, so it's no secret, he's not dirty, he just leaves his things EVERYWHERE! And that's because he lived alone for 10 years. So, I go behind and pick it all up. No biggie...Until Friday.

Friday J walks in from work later than normal, sits down for a second, chats with me, goes into the kitchen to get a drink then proceeds to pick up the catch plate under the stove burner and washes it in the sink.

Now this doesn't seem like a big deal to the lay person....Until you are privy to the information that this is the man that can't manage to move his dirty underwear to the hamper. If there is no hamper present, he drops them on the floor next to his dresser 3 feet from the hamper area and claims that he "doesn't want me to trip on the pile."

NEWS FLASH: I walk an arch around the area regardless....because of my OCD. The hamper goes there, so in my mind, it's always there....

So, there he is....In the kitchen. In his work clothes. Washing the catch plate. The only NOT CLEAN thing in the house.

My mind is thinking: Ungrateful, POS, Thankless, Why Do I Bother?

We did discuss this....He claims that he can't help it.

OK, and the laundry is just going to hop into the hamper on it's own, huh?

The Beginning....

Most people would never know that I have Asperger's. Hell, up until May, I didn't know for sure. It was at the mere suggestion (possibly even a joking comment) that a friend made about a habit that I have of sleeping with a heavy blanket year round that got me looking into the possibility. As an aside, it was mentioned to me the blanket thing can be indicitive of Autism.

"It's a comfort thing," he said, "Actually, you do a few things that make me think of Autism..."

I walked away after that. No offense, but there was no way I was retarded....It's bad enough I have narcolepsy and restless leg syndrome! Plus, I have no tact (I'm a Sagittarius, what can I say). I can feasibly explain every quirk, personality issue and social problem that I have and nothing ever had to do with the "A" word. (I realize now it has everything to do with it.) Asshole may have come up, however, that's rarely used for women.

My formal diagnosis was two days ago on Thursday, July 9th, 2009. Did I need a doctor to tell me that I have Asperger's? No, not really. I just needed a confirmation that my research was correct. She didn't even do a checklist which kind of bummed me out. She did however ask why I was there if I didn't want treatment. My answer....

I am horrible at relationships. And the one I'm in is going downhill at neckbreaking speed, no matter what I do to try and help it's only getting worse.

But this is only the beginning....

I'm 34, newly diagnosed and haven't even started exploring this world yet.